Day 17 of 365: Reciprocity

reciprocity (n): the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit

Last week, as I was getting ready for the day, I thought about conversations around inclusivity and the love God. At the heart of these dialogues is the belief that God loves people no matter what they do. I believe people are more likely to come to God if they understand He loves them. What’s missing from many of these conversations is the reality that God has a standard for how we live our lives, and that He has a right to do so. On this particular morning I thought about how self-absorbed we can be in our relationship with God and forget He desires reciprocity.

Most people understand relationships thrive or diminish based on reciprocity, respect, trust, and consistency. This is true in families, platonic and romantic relationships, and in the workplace. In contrast, once people come to church, the idea of reciprocity with God seems to go out the window even as people volunteer for ministries and attend services on a regular basis.

In some Christian circles, I have heard people say, “God doesn’t need you! He’s powerful all by Himself.” I get what they’re trying to say, because God can accomplish His purpose in a variety of ways. The Bible depicts God calling people from all walks of life. Nonetheless, we too often forget that God is relational. Worse yet, we may cultivate a narcissistic relationship with Him in which He exists simply to meet our needs. God wants to engage with us on a more meaningful level than listening to our needs and wants. Reciprocity demands that we also listen to Him. We all know what it’s like to be in a relationship in which one party expects their needs to be met without taking into consideration the other party would like the same.

In John 14:15, Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” Many people have replaced Jesus’ words with, “God understands my heart” which allows them to live in any manner without accountability or reciprocity. If we are to please God, we also need to ask ourselves whether we are even interested in understanding and responding to His heart.

I believe God is looking for people who are interested in hearing from Him about His concerns, not just their own. I know the process of sitting with God long enough to hear what He wants to share with us is an ongoing one because of distractions and responsibilities.

Lord, forgive us for thinking our spiritual walk is all about fulfilling our needs and building the lives we want. Help us to be reciprocal in our relationship with You.

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One of understanding.” -Proverbs 10:27

Day 22 of 365: Follow Me

Happy New Year! I noticed people’s expectations for 2022 have been more subdued than the ones they had for 2021, and I think that’s a good thing. One of the hardest things to admit to ourselves is that we are not in control. Sure, there are choices we can make that will lead to better outcomes for ourselves and others, but ultimately, we are fragile creatures with ridiculously large egos.

I take breaks from sharing my writing publicly because I don’t want to get into the habit of writing for likes when I haven’t wrestled privately with things. As I read the gospels, I notice that Jesus frequently drew away to quiet places to pray and encouraged his disciples to do the same. In short, I don’t want to perform my walk with God for others. One of the things that has bothered me for several months is the commodification of faith, and the “getting back to normal” approach I see in several arenas, including the church world. Are we getting closer to Jesus, or are we busy with conferences and concerts? Don’t get me wrong. I have seen churches open their doors to those who had nowhere else to go and expand their food pantries to meet the needs of congregants and people in the surrounding community. There are folks who still visit the sick and prisoners. The work continues. On a personal level, I have been fortunate to fellowship with other Christians although I have not attended church in almost two years.

Jesus’ call is to follow Him is simple but insistent. Although I have said the following several times, I’ll say it again: Jesus never begs anyone to follow Him. His invitation to draw close is easy to dismiss because we are so often affronted by any suggestion that we need help outside of ourselves. We are our own gods. In one of life’s greatest ironies, I see an increase in greed, selfishness, hopelessness, rage, anger, and anxiety as people insist on their right to themselves. The lie so many people believe is that if we do what we want, we will find freedom.

People refuse Jesus’ invitation to follow him because they love their lives too much, that includes church goers. I find myself constantly wrestling with my right to myself. Society tells me to give in, but people become slaves to whatever they bow to. To diminish the seriousness of His call, people have presented versions of Jesus that are emptied of his glory, divinity, and authority. So, instead of the Messiah, people reduce Jesus to a good man who told interesting stories and helped people, or a prophet. Or Jesus becomes a mascot for social justice because He was a man of color who was executed by the state. By making Jesus common, we make him more palatable. What Jesus says about himself in the scriptures runs counter to how He is often presented:

“If anyone wants to come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)

“Remain in Me, and I will remain in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself unless it remains in the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.” (John 15:4)

“Whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses His life for My sake will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the way that leads to life, and only few find it.” (Matthew 12:13-14)

Jesus should be presented as He is in the scriptures. Nothing more, nothing less. The church’s great experiment in seeing how we can draw large numbers of people to Christ has failed because we haven’t presented Jesus as He is, the only way to the Father. We have often presented Jesus as another self-help guru who enables people to actualize their lives, and He won’t be common just because we want Him to be. Jesus’ call demands that we confront the lies and excuses we tell ourselves and others. He demands that we stop relying on the prayers of others to limp through our spiritual lives instead of speaking to Him face to face. Jesus demands that we stop making gods of our careers, relationships, habits, creativity, intellect, and addictions. He also demands that we stop replaying the trauma of our past as an excuse not to respond to Him.

I have never been a charismatic person, nor have I ever been popular. If anything, I have often been awkward, sometimes harsh, and self-righteous though well-intentioned. He’s working on me. Nonetheless, Jesus often uses the unlikeliest people to share His gospel because He’s not sharing His glory with anyone anyway.

Day 320: The Art of Asking

Practice asking. Consider what people expect of you and how you may hesitate to ask for what you want or need. So, here’s a concrete example. I like plants. Well, like is an understatement because I have a huge collection! I received a plant order last Saturday and was unhappy until I decided to address the issue. I thought about how I have responded to customer concerns when they’ve ordered from my Etsy store. I always make things right if there’s an issue which means I take the loss. I reached out to the seller because I’ve ordered from her in the past and am accustomed to pristine quality. This plant was not in that category or the one next to it. Last Monday, I sent the seller a politely worded message with pictures praising her excellent customer service, packaging, and lovely plants. The second plant in the order was gorgeous so, the two of them looked like like ol’ Leroy had hooked up with a much younger woman. The seller has a no refund/no exchange policy although customers may reach out if there is an issue with their order. Long story short, she responded the same day and said she’d mail out a replacement plant within a few days.

Photo Credit: Julene Wilson (one third or one fourth of my collection)

I’ve also been thinking about what my Uber driver said on Friday as he drove me home from TJ Maxx. Abdullah had helped me with two small but heavy tables I had purchased to display plants.

“You deserve to be helped.”

No, he was not flirting. I believe God wanted me to hear those words.

I had a brief but emotional moment in the backseat but maintained my composure. It‘s always been hard for me to ask for help. I think this habit is a combination of pride and not wanting to make other people’s lives difficult, a habit I learned as a child. I also realize that people expect a lot from women of color, but there’s often very little reciprocity. Think about setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm then you still have to put out the flames and take yourself to the hospital. That’s what many of our lives look like.

Abdullah explained Uber’s policy of not wanting drivers to lift packages or load things into their trunk, which adds context to some of my experiences although I believe there are other factors. He explained that despite his back surgery-I could see the scar at the back of his neck, he tried to help his customers, especially old men and women. He said his wife warned him to be careful and urged him to quit.

“But who will pay the bills or my children’s tuition?”

Even as I told him to be careful and take care of himself, I thought about how receiving care or gifts from people often embarrasses me.

Photo Credit: Julene Wilson, Hoya wayetti

Sometimes self-care and self-love look like expecting the same level of excellence from people they expect from you. To quote TD Jakes, “Relationships die when there is a lack of reciprocity.” Do you have a reciprocative relationship with yourself, or do you give your best to others and expect nothing in return? Learning the art of asking may take practice, so start with small requests.

My replacement hoya wayetti arrived last Thursday.

My Etsy store info: http://www.bettabodybutter.etsy.com

Day 242: Gratitude

This morning, I woke up and began to thank God for sustaining me. Being grateful always shifts my perspective about my life and reminds me that if I put in the work, anything is possible. One of the most dangerous ideas that has permeated our society a person has failed if they have not accomplished certain hallmarks by thirty or forty. These expectations usually have to do with a career, getting married and starting a family. Technological advancement, economic downturn, outsourcing jobs and a shift in values means that most people of my generation and later will not have the same job for forty years as was common with previous generations. Circumstances force us to be flexible and the option to do so cannot be underestimated. Furthermore, we are less likely to be loyal to companies because the American Dream seems to be harder to achieve. Another consideration is how these factors have led people to put off having children until they are financially stable. Some have given up on the idea altogether. In terms of a second career, I refuse to be fatalistic because I know I’m going to be fine.

A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity.

I am also grateful because a friend’s great nephew is recovering from a gunshot wound to the head. Over the last week, he has steadily improved and is able to open his eyes, talk and move. He’s only eighteen years old and his life was on a trajectory headed towards destruction. Fortunately, he’s still alive. He doesn’t know me but I am excited for him and the life he has ahead of him. Most young men who live the street life do so in search of identity. That quest usually leads to jail or death.

Though this eighteen-year-old and I differ in terms of gender and age, we have both been given new leases on life. I have been thinking about how the wrong perspective can turn an opportunity to curdled milk. Everything about spoiled milk is stomach turning- the look, smell, and taste. A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity. If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know that I fight against a victim mindset which is both contrary to faith and counterproductive. So, I keep asking myself, “In spite of what has happened, what possibilities still exist to live a purposeful life? What mindsets and habits do I need to shift to make room for what I want? What are my passions? What are concrete steps I can take to meet my goals?” These are important questions. However, I know that too much time spent thinking about my answers to them is out of balance. Certain questions will be answered by doing.

As I am typing, I recall the words my last counselor said to me at the end of our time working together, “I’m excited for you.” This morning, I am excited for myself.

Day 240: Spiritual Principles and Everyday Practicality

I woke up this morning thinking about yesterday’s post which was an attempt to work through why I disliked the phrase “God helps those who help themselves” for several years but eventually came around to seeing it contained some truth. I believe that God is merciful and helps us when we’ve placed ourselves in a tight spot and we ask for help. However, I also believe that it is not God’s intent for us to be so undisciplined that we always experience hardship.

As I rolled out of bed, the principle of sowing and reaping came to mind. I realized I failed to mention this in yesterday’s post which is why it felt incomplete. It’s taken from Galatians 6:7 which says, “Do not deceived. God cannot be mocked. People reap what they sow.” This principle works in the spiritual and in the natural. Whether you are a Christian or not, most people know that unless they work for something, they’ll have nothing at the end of a given period. Barring outside influences or a mistake on one’s part, continuous discipline leads to results. Let me provide you with a concrete example. I have battled with my weight for years. However, when I walk for several weeks, my leg muscles become stronger and I feel more energized. When I eat more vegetables, it is easier for me to concentrate and I don’t have migraines. In other words, there’s no magic. Taking care of myself over an extended period of time leads to non-scale victories even though the number on the scale decreases incrementally. I’ve been guilty of praying about my health but not taking actionable steps to improve it. Not only is this practice silly and immature, it places the onus on God to do for me what I can do for myself. Hence, “God helps those who help themselves.”

The Bible is written about people who were farmers and herders. They understood that if they did not work they land, they would have nothing to harvest when the season came for it. The Hebrews also had to inspect their flocks to ensure that there was no disease. Shepherds were responsible for leading sheep and other grazing animals to pasture and protecting them from wild animals. None of this was easy. However, after bringing grain and animal sacrifices to the temple, people were free to enjoy the fruits of their labor. I also realize that God wants us to participate in our blessing. The danger in some church circles is that people believe that singing their favorite song at the top of their lungs or attending church will automatically bring positive results in other spheres of their life. I’m not talking down to anyone because I’ve been there and done that. Anyone who’s spent their life in church or been to church for several years will tell you this is not how things work. One of the issues is there is too sharp a delineation between the spiritual and the secular which leads to us compartmentalizing things two things that are actually intertwined. We are spiritual eternal beings in temporal bodies.

Can I make a confession? I am a chronic over thinker. I can gnaw a thought to frayed ends and then still continue to chew on it. For example, I’m thinking too much about my dissertation. Although I want to present research that is coherent and honors the people I interviewed, I don’t need to agonize over it. In other areas of my life, there are certain things I don’t think about doing because they just need to be done (i.e paying rent and other bills). I don’t debate whether I should do my laundry or take out the garbage. My dissertation is arguably more complex than the household responsibilities I just mentioned. Nonetheless, I just need to make a commitment to writing regardless of how I feel.

The Understanding of Myself

Image result for free images of eagles flying — Photo Credit: Danny O’ Driscoll

Earthbound,

But longing for sky

Wind, rushing

beneath

wings

Sunlit

Eagle eyed

Intent on pursuit

Riding invisible waves of air

God watches from the heavens

The realization occurs to me that I alone can decide what I will believe about myself

And because God usually speaks in whispers

I decided that his decibel was not loud enough for my clogged ears

So I chose speakers of another kind

Only to find the noise of this world was not articulate enough to speak to the core of me

Could never master the Divine tongue which spoke me into existence

I untether and come into agreement with the Almighty

Pull the headphones out of my ears

and listen to my Creator

I am who the I Am declares me to be

Spoke me from eternity

Days ordained before one came to be

Hemmed in behind and before

Intimately known

God knew me before I existed

Quilting soul with spirit with body

Declared me wonderful!

And His thoughts concerning me are without number

Father spoke life to my crushed spirit

Making me a coheir through the shed blood of His Son

Now the Spirit resides in this earthen vessel

And the breath of God fills this mortal frame

The unlikeliest of holy temples

And dry bones come alive

Lit by holy fire

These light and momentary troubles

are nothing compared to eternal glory

they have produced something indestructible

hardness inpenetrable

diamond strong

gold refined

God’s strength in the midst of human weakness

I have waited upon the Lord and found Him consistent

I have found him able to handle the weight of my sorrows

Willing and capable of healing the deepest pain

I now take flight

Attaining heights He foreordained

For me to climb

Before the foundations of universe and world were laid

Before time and space collided

Before stars were born

And gravity bound wandering feet to earth

Father, Son, and Spirit declared me worthy of being an image bearer of their divinity

Gave me the ability to speak and create

God set me in history

With a precision only He can execute

Called

Chosen

Sent

To declare His glory

To show that resurrection occurs in the here and now

And not just the hereafter

No Life Without the Spirit

The longer I live, the more I realize that the Christian life-a life that honors God- is impossible to live without the help of the Holy Spirit. Now, I’ve heard this most of my life but the reality is hitting me now, more than ever. In Galatians 5, Paul explains the intense conflict between our flesh and the Spirit of God. The Spirit desires the things of God while the flesh desires to satisfy our desires. Being Spirit controlled leads to life, being controlled by your flesh leads to death. What I love about God is he allows us to make the decision to serve him.

I am also becoming more aware that I need to trust God’s guidance in all areas of my life. For a long time, I thought I only needed God in my areas of weakness. However, I realize that while something may not trip you up today, it can certainly trip you up tomorrow. Furthermore, from my own life, my areas of strength have led me to be arrogant at times. For example, prior to my first job, I never understood how people could work for a certain amount of money and never have any savings. Haha! Lord, have I learned to keep my mouth shut about that because I’ve found myself in the same boat. I’ve since left my first job but I’m still battling with using money as a means to deal with problems. However, graduate school, medical bills, and living on my own are forcing me to get in order. Lawd!

Jesus never begged anyone to follow him. He simply stated and demonstrated who he was, the earthly representation of the Father and the fulfillment of God’s promise to send Israel a deliverer. He knew who he was, and people’s decision to follow him or not follow him never diminished who he was. Jesus referred to himself as “I Am” which brings to mind Moses’ conversation with God in the wilderness. When God commanded him to go to deliver the people of Israel from Pharaoh, Moses asked God, “Who shall I say sent me?” God’s response was “Tell them, I Am sent you.” “I am” speaks to God’s self-existence. He exists, has always existed, and will always exist. So, when we fall in line with the Holy Sprit, who Jesus said would guide us into all truth and is part of the triune God, we fall in line with the self-existent God who has always existed and knows all things.

In a recent conversation with a friend, she said “Your need to buy things is rooted in a fear of lack.” When I was a child, my parents could not afford to buy me and my brother many things so we learned not to ask. However, my classmates commented on my clothing. I didn’t realize how much those experiences impacted me until I started earning money and began to deal with my emotions through shopping. I was finally able to buy the things I wanted when I wanted to buy them. Shopping gave me a rush and helped to numb my emotions. I liked my leather handbags and shoes, my accessories, and amassed a ridiculous sterling silver jewelry collection. What does the Holy Spirit have to do with any of this?

For a long time, I allowed my past to control me. That past was rooted in lack, fear, insecurity, and a host of other things. However, my most recent battle with cancer and its aftermath, have left me realizing that spiritual and emotional healing is much more important to me than physical healing. It makes no sense for me to recover from cancer and yet operate from a place of spiritual and emotional pain. I choose to no longer allow my past to control me. God is able to heal me in all areas of my life as I respond to the Spirit’s call to come under his influence.

Galatians chapter 5 verse 22 says self-control is one fruit of the Holy Spirit. As Pastor Michael Todd said in a message, “Being self-controlled is not about controlling yourself. It’s about choosing who you allow to control you.” I think that’s a great explanation of what it means to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, his statement shows that we are responsible for what and who we allow to control us. Furthermore, God does not kidnap us and force us to follow him. Free will allows us to consider who God and make a decision as to whether we will stand in agreement with him or follow our own desires. I am learning that it is absolutely useless to attend church, sing beautiful songs, but live without the help of the Holy Spirit.