This week, I’ve been reading through the last chapters of the Gospel of Matthew because I find I must revisit who Jesus is. The church gets into trouble when we rely on old memories of Jesus to inform us about who He is or when we search the Bible only to find verses that fit our positions on various issues. As I listen to myself and the conversations many Christians are having, I find that we are apt to get caught up in our own logic and arguments about who Jesus is and what He stands for. These conversations are necessary and important. But, I wonder whether we are more transfixed by our own ability to make compelling arguments than we are drawn to Jesus? What has drawn me back to Him in spite of life’s challenges is Matthew 11:28, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” Jesus does not say, “Come to me when you’ve figured out a way to manage your hypocrisy and weaknesses or convinced other people to do the same.” He simply says, “Come.” I find that I become unburdened when I accept that invitation instead of bashing people over the head with scripture. I was raised in church but there was a point when I had to look at Jesus for myself and determine whether He was worth following. I still have to do that because I can fool myself into thinking I have God figured out when I’m just skimming the surface of His character.
(Originally posted on Friday, April 19th, 2019). Today is Good Friday. The Bible describes Jesus’ last moments throughout the Gospels-the Last Supper where he washed his disciples’ feet where he flipped the script and showed them that to be truly great you had to willingly serve others, his agonizing moment in the Garden of Gethsemane where he told his Father, “If at all possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.”
I don’t like suffering. In a world where suffering is so commonplace we often become numb to it, I’d like to pass my cup. It does no good for me to say other people have suffered more than I have, or that I should be grateful that I’m still alive. I can acknowledge these things, turn them over in my mind again and again, mentally assent to them, and still say that I’d like to relinquish this experience if I could. At the end of the day, I have to carry my own cross.
In December 2017, I was diagnosed with a recurrence of endometrial cancer after almost two weeks in the hospital. It would be another week before I was able to go home. As a private person, I would rather not divulge the details of that experience to people but I will because I believe I should. I started to share on my personal Facebook page but thought a blog would be a more appropriate place to talk about my experience. Starting a blog is part of my healing and I believe my posts may be helpful to other people.
Credit: Aaron Amat
Jesus knew there was a purpose to his death but he didn’t pretend the process was an easy one. I won’t go through the details of cruxifiction here. If you’ve seen Passion of the Christ, you’ll see a fairly accurate picture of how the Romans carried out this form of punishment.
“Father if at all possible, would you let this cup pass from me?”
I remember one Sunday in the Spring of 2018 when I took an Uber to the hospital because I was experiencing pain on my left side. My main tumor was in my left pelvis and was large enough to press on my bladder and back up urine into my left kidney. To prevent me from going into kidney failure, my urologist placed a stint in my left ureter in December 2017. Fortunately, tests revealed I only had a bladder infection during this visit.
As I waited in the emergency room, I called a friend in Michigan who had been praying for me. During our conversation I told her “If I could crawl away from my body and leave it here, I would.” By this time, I had already completed my first round of radiation and chemotherapy. My health had improved but I was still experiencing hip pain and fatigue along with the emotional and spiritual toll of enduring a recurrence of cancer. Unlike the first time I was diagnosed with cancer at thirty-one, I am choosing to process the emotions that come my way. At that time, I did not have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation after the removal of my uterus and cervix. As I write this post, I realize the physical pain and treatment I underwent during my recurrence has mirrored my internal excavation. I continue to have doctors’ appointments, my most recent being a colonoscopy. However, the internal worked I’ve been forced to do during this process is not something I would have willingly done because I was not aware of some of the things I have buried over my thirty-six years.
I am trying to avoid Christian cliches as I write this blog. We are usually so uncomfortable with pain that we would rather serve people platitudes than sit with them in silence as they share something personal. I have been guilty of this. With that said, I am grappling with the God’s goodness in the midst of suffering. Romans 8:28 says,
“God works everything for the good of them that love him and have been called according to his purpose.”
We are often tested on the things we claim to believe. And that’s a good thing or else we risk living our lives by comforting words/beliefs that don’t hold up under pressure. During this process, I am waiting with expectation for God to weave this moment into something good. I’ve seen moments of my Father’s faithfulness during this journey. However, there are other moments when his goodness and purpose seem hard to trace. I know God is resurrecting me. I just have to undergo the process. And the process isn’t pretty.
Healing Joy Ministries 
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