This morning, I woke up and began to thank God for sustaining me. Being grateful always shifts my perspective about my life and reminds me that if I put in the work, anything is possible. One of the most dangerous ideas that has permeated our society a person has failed if they have not accomplished certain hallmarks by thirty or forty. These expectations usually have to do with a career, getting married and starting a family. Technological advancement, economic downturn, outsourcing jobs and a shift in values means that most people of my generation and later will not have the same job for forty years as was common with previous generations. Circumstances force us to be flexible and the option to do so cannot be underestimated. Furthermore, we are less likely to be loyal to companies because the American Dream seems to be harder to achieve. Another consideration is how these factors have led people to put off having children until they are financially stable. Some have given up on the idea altogether. In terms of a second career, I refuse to be fatalistic because I know I’m going to be fine.
A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity.
I am also grateful because a friend’s great nephew is recovering from a gunshot wound to the head. Over the last week, he has steadily improved and is able to open his eyes, talk and move. He’s only eighteen years old and his life was on a trajectory headed towards destruction. Fortunately, he’s still alive. He doesn’t know me but I am excited for him and the life he has ahead of him. Most young men who live the street life do so in search of identity. That quest usually leads to jail or death.
Though this eighteen-year-old and I differ in terms of gender and age, we have both been given new leases on life. I have been thinking about how the wrong perspective can turn an opportunity to curdled milk. Everything about spoiled milk is stomach turning- the look, smell, and taste. A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity. If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know that I fight against a victim mindset which is both contrary to faith and counterproductive. So, I keep asking myself, “In spite of what has happened, what possibilities still exist to live a purposeful life? What mindsets and habits do I need to shift to make room for what I want? What are my passions? What are concrete steps I can take to meet my goals?” These are important questions. However, I know that too much time spent thinking about my answers to them is out of balance. Certain questions will be answered by doing.
As I am typing, I recall the words my last counselor said to me at the end of our time working together, “I’m excited for you.” This morning, I am excited for myself.
Photo Credit: Harry Cunningham, @harry.digital on Instagram
Last week, I started a long piece about the shootings in Atlanta but, I could not get the words out although I spent the week working on it. This morning, my friend told me about the mass shooting in Boulder, Colorado. The photos on CNN’s website seemed familiar and, I realized two friends and I had been there in October 2019. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw the King Scooper Supermarket sign. We had gone into that supermarket to buy groceries for our Airbnb stay. I wanted to spend time with my close friends who had been with me almost every night over my three-week hospital stay at the end of 2017 when I was diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer. My time in Colorado was the first time I had taken myself on vacation although I have travelled to other countries, visited half of the states and returned to the island of my birth, Saint Vincent. I am almost out of tears for what is happening in this nation. It is possible to weep yourself dry.
I hesitated to write this post because, I find it much easier to write about a number of things although I have a dissertation to complete. I feel that I should shut my mouth and apply myself to schoolwork. However, I am reminded that it was not the theories that I learned in graduate school that preserved my life when I was sick. The living God and the people He placed around me, carried me through the valley of the shadow of death so I have to honor Him.
At this moment, most of us feel the weight of evil in our nation and around the world. As we grieve, pray, demand justice and a change in policies, it would appear that we are experiencing a never-ending wave of destruction. I submit to you that the rise in violence is another opportunity to change course after careful examination of what we value an individual, familial, communal and national level. Finger pointing is not sufficient to address societal wrongs. Calling out evil out in the world without sitting with the evil inside of me is problematic. I also contribute to collective evil and I have to ask God to examine me. I know that’s not what people want to hear right now and I hear you. I too am wondering how long racial violence will operate in this country. How long will white men be allowed to act out their depraved ideology with deadly consequences? How long will we fail to have proper gun legislation? How long will we pretend that US military presence and policies in other nations have nothing to do with the tide of people at our southern border? How long will this nation lie to itself that we are the best?
I am reminded of Nehemiah chapter one in which this prophet leader receives news from Hanani about the conditions of the Jewish people in exile and those who still lived in Jerusalem. The context is that the Jewish people were under Babylonian rule after Jerusalem was sacked years before and its people taken away. A were few behind to work the land. The Babylonians had destroyed the walls of the city which left its residents vulnerable to attack. Even though Nehemiah was in a privileged position as cupbearer to the King in the capital of Susa (Iran), he had a heart for those among his people who were in destitute conditions. As a black woman who is a naturalized citizen from the Caribbean, I see all too often how people like me are tempted to buy into certain aspects of white supremacist capitalist ideology in order to achieve the American Dream. Education along with my mentor’s challenge to interrogate interracial issues and my own racial encounters forced me to begin to divorce white supremacist thinking. I am still examining myself to see which roots still need to be removed.
What draws me to Nehemiah is that he takes responsibility for collective sin. He repents for his personal sins and the sins of his ancestral family then proceeds to repent for the sins of the nation. Collective repentance is what is needed in America, first beginning with the church. I am not going to wait for institutional leaders to repent for national sins past and present. I have been in repentance and prayer for my sin, the sins of my family and this nation.
‘Then I said: “LORD, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my ancestral family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.”’
Nehemiah 1:5-7
I also submit to you that it is problematic for me to think that I am only part of the solution but not part of the collective evil in this nation. Self-righteousness takes different forms, and we defend ours while castigating people for theirs.
As I have listened to people’s arguments about why they question the existence of God, their reasons usually boil down to the evil in the world. These individuals always discuss the external evil but omit their personal evil. Evil exists because we have free will and we would do anything to hold onto it. The mantra of the United States is “I have the right to…” I cannot only discuss the misogyny, racism, xenophobia, sizeism, colorism, texturism, classism and, sexual assaults that I have experienced. I have to consider how my internalized racism negatively impacted students. I have to consider how my self-righteousness led people to believe that they had to fix themselves before they approached God. I have to consider my own sins that are separate from personal quirks. I have to contend with how my failure to accept God’s invitation to healing led me to harm myself and other people. To say that I did not mean to inflict harm does not remove the evil that I committed or its consequences.
If we want healing in this country, we have to get raw before God with our own mess and the historical devastation that continues to bear fruit in this nation and around the world. We do not get to invoke Jesus for our Gospel of snark, sarcasm, self-righteousness and social justice. I believe God cares about addressing the needs of marginalized people. However, if we do not get to know the God in whose image we and other people are made, our efforts will fail. We have to be careful of invoking Jesus to take our side in arguments in an effort to shame and manipulate people to agree with us yet resist how His words expose our own darkness. When we quote the words of Jesus in memes and slick posts, we are inadvertently saying that His words have authority and by default, He himself has authority. We do not get to invoke Jesus but resist His demand that we submit to Him. That goes for church folks and non-church folks. This truth applies to the church writ large regardless of the racial and socioeconomic demographics of its congregants. To invoke Jesus without knowing Him is an attempt to manipulate Him for our purposes. We are lying to ourselves if we think God is under our control and He exists to do our bidding. We can’t even try that mess with our parents!
To my fellow Christians, “It is time for judgement to begin with the people of God” (I Peter 4:17). We’re off base. We have made church about strobe lights, coffee and donuts, how well the choir sings, the size of the congregation, the style of the preaching and the pastor’s personality. Christians all too often preach the gospel of feelings instead of the Gospel of Jesus. We will be held accountable for our failure to center Jesus which has led people astray. Jesus is the gospel, not principles of right living and social justice even though our walk with him should reflect a heart for justice. The church lacks authority and anointing because we are off base. Repent. The book of Revelations begins with John’s address to the the seven churches (Revelations 1-3). God deals with His people first before He addresses the world because,
“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
The general consensus is that it takes twenty-one days or three weeks for a new habit to form. A few weeks ago, I heard a psychologist say it takes longer than that and I believe her. When I began writing two decades ago, I would never have imagined that I would share my writing with the world. A mentor had given me a journal and I suspect that she sensed my need to express my thoughts via writing. Or, perhaps she thought a journal might have suited me. It did. She passed this year and although I don’t remember any of our conversations, I do recall her sweet spirit and the gift she gave me-permission to express myself honestly. Prior to this, the only writing I did was for school and short stories I wrote for myself.
Two decades and over twenty journals later, I am still writing. There is an ebb and flow to my writing which means there are times when I write several pages a day for weeks or months on end, and other times when I write sporadically. The pressure of a global pandemic along with the political, economic, and social unrest that occurred in 2020, resulted in depression. These things were an added burden to the personal struggles I was experiencing. Most of last year proved to be one of those times when I found little comfort in journalling. Usually, I had to force myself to write or my emotions reached an unbearable level and writing was one of my few escapes. Good friends who knew about the importance of writing in my life often asked whether I was still journalling. My usual response was, “Not as much as before. It’s hard to write at the moment.”
One of the reasons I’ve chosen to share my writing with others is because I know my experiences are not unique. Millions of people have suffered from cancer. Many have battled it more than once. Like me, others have felt the sting of rejection and wrestled with questions of self worth. Still others have questioned God about the meaning of life’s pain and tragedies. At the risk of being told I am offering unsolicited advice, I am extending an invitation to others to have conversations about deep rooted things. Perhaps you are already having these conversations. If so, I am glad because we all need permission to share our lives in safe environments. Perhaps you are someone who keeps things bottled up. As someone who can be private and has slowly opened up to others over the years, I will not preach to you about lowering your walls. I know how comforting they can be.
I constantly return to writing because it is a necessity and a source of joy. There is a freedom in writing that I don’t often find in other spaces. Writing has also allowed me to become better acquainted with myself. Thousands of hours of jotting down my thoughts have provided me with opportunities to process things that I did not even know I had buried. A few weeks ago, I looked up a compulsive behavior I had not thought about in years and reflected on my time in high school. I will write about that at another time.
Sometimes, consistency is a matter of necessity. I write because it is one of my fundamental needs. More importantly, I need to write in a manner that allows me to express myself authentically-no shade to academic writing, but really. I write to remind myself that I do not need to use academics or religion as facades. I am tempted to hide behind both of these things and it is a struggle to grapple with the intersections of faith, socio-economic class, gender, nationality, race, size, and other identities I have not even considered.
I write as a method of investigating my inner life. I keep finding things that surprise me and enable me to make the connections between thought processes and certain behaviors. So, I will keep writing.
Healing Joy Ministries 
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