“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8

Photo Credit: Julene Wilson, Brooklyn Botanical Garden, Brooklyn, NY, 2018.

I find myself at a major crossroads in my life. My current situation is not where I planned to be when I thought about my undergrad and graduate school career path. One of the most important questions I have had to ask myself is why I am motivated to pursue particular goals. For God to show me myself and the underlying factors behind my decisions is one of the greatest gifts my Father has given me. I have been bogged down by other people’s expectations and the fear of disappointing those who have supported me over the years; nonetheless, at the end of my life, I have to answer to God.

Almost five years ago, my mentor told me, “God wants you to know you don’t owe anything to anyone but Him.” I’m paraphrasing here, but she was referring to my recovery following my second bought with cancer which was brutal. I have not gone into much detail about my struggle with endometrial cancer on this blog, except to post my testimony back in February on my Facebook page. From personal experience, I have found that God’s gifts often come in strange wrapping. That journey, and the five years since my last hospital stay have been necessary to better understand how God operates. He continues to insist that I understand His goodness despite life’s hardships and my hard-headedness, and His ability to redeem the ugly aspects of my life.

The main call of those who follow Jesus is to know Him well. His call to Himself is the first and greatest one people receive from the Savior. Growing up in church, people’s “calling” was often framed as a specific assignment they had from God, which was usually ministry related. Coupled with the call to ministry was the idea that God only calls us to success. The more people, the bigger and more well-known the ministry, and the more charismatic the individual, the better. While I do not believe God is calling us to mediocrity, success and the charm of personality can distract from the necessity of spiritual maturity, decreased hypocrisy, and a sensitivity to God’s voice.

“Do you trust me? Have I not proven that I am trustworthy? Will you trust me now, in this season?”

I cannot tell you how many times God has asked me these questions. What I do know is He is presenting them to me again. 

Do not be wise in your own eyes…

I keep forgetting that God is not impressed by my self-sufficiency. Sometimes, I am like a child who keeps calling to their parent, “See! Look what I can do!” When I think about how I have had to lean on God over the past several years, my attempts to impress Him are silly.