Practice asking. Consider what people expect of you and how you may hesitate to ask for what you want or need. So, here’s a concrete example. I like plants. Well, like is an understatement because I have a huge collection! I received a plant order last Saturday and was unhappy until I decided to address the issue. I thought about how I have responded to customer concerns when they’ve ordered from my Etsy store. I always make things right if there’s an issue which means I take the loss. I reached out to the seller because I’ve ordered from her in the past and am accustomed to pristine quality. This plant was not in that category or the one next to it. Last Monday, I sent the seller a politely worded message with pictures praising her excellent customer service, packaging, and lovely plants. The second plant in the order was gorgeous so, the two of them looked like like ol’ Leroy had hooked up with a much younger woman. The seller has a no refund/no exchange policy although customers may reach out if there is an issue with their order. Long story short, she responded the same day and said she’d mail out a replacement plant within a few days.

I’ve also been thinking about what my Uber driver said on Friday as he drove me home from TJ Maxx. Abdullah had helped me with two small but heavy tables I had purchased to display plants.

“You deserve to be helped.”

No, he was not flirting. I believe God wanted me to hear those words.

I had a brief but emotional moment in the backseat but maintained my composure. It‘s always been hard for me to ask for help. I think this habit is a combination of pride and not wanting to make other people’s lives difficult, a habit I learned as a child. I also realize that people expect a lot from women of color, but there’s often very little reciprocity. Think about setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm then you still have to put out the flames and take yourself to the hospital. That’s what many of our lives look like.

Abdullah explained Uber’s policy of not wanting drivers to lift packages or load things into their trunk, which adds context to some of my experiences although I believe there are other factors. He explained that despite his back surgery-I could see the scar at the back of his neck, he tried to help his customers, especially old men and women. He said his wife warned him to be careful and urged him to quit.

“But who will pay the bills or my children’s tuition?”

Even as I told him to be careful and take care of himself, I thought about how receiving care or gifts from people often embarrasses me.

Sometimes self-care and self-love look like expecting the same level of excellence from people they expect from you. To quote TD Jakes, “Relationships die when there is a lack of reciprocity.” Do you have a reciprocative relationship with yourself, or do you give your best to others and expect nothing in return? Learning the art of asking may take practice, so start with small requests.

My replacement hoya wayetti arrived last Thursday.

My Etsy store info: http://www.bettabodybutter.etsy.com