“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10, NIV
Throughout the Bible, God commands his children to not fear regardless of circumstance such as an advancing army, or the unknown. As human beings, we are prone to fear what is beyond our control. Natural disasters, economic collapse, looming war, the end of a marriage or friendship, or a bad diagnosis can leave us spiraling, and many people are experiencing anxiety, depression, and fear as a result of these things.
Speaking through the prophet Isaiah, God commanded his people not to be fearful because he was with them. Those who place their trust in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, are commanded not to fear because he has absolute knowledge, wisdom, and power. We must remind ourselves that God is not like individuals who are trying to cheer us up without any knowledge of what is to come, or how to get us out of difficulty. His command is rooted in his character. From Genesis through Revelation, we see how God shows up for His people although he often has to discipline them for disobedience.
Those who walked closely with God, like David, often reminded themselves of his character when they were faced with fear-inducing circumstances. In Psalm 27:1-3, NIV, he writes,
“The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident.”
Take a moment to acknowledge before God what or who is causing you fear. Whether you write down your thoughts, speak them, or pray, know that God is concerned about what is troubling you and is more than capable of guiding you through difficult times.
Gather other scriptures that remind you not to fear such as what Jesus said in John 16:33, NIV,
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
Incorporate these scriptures in prayer throughout the day to shift your focus from your problems to God’s power and sovereignty.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8
I find myself at a major crossroads in my life. My current situation is not where I planned to be when I thought about my undergrad and graduate school career path. One of the most important questions I have had to ask myself is why I am motivated to pursue particular goals. For God to show me myself and the underlying factors behind my decisions is one of the greatest gifts my Father has given me. I have been bogged down by other people’s expectations and the fear of disappointing those who have supported me over the years; nonetheless, at the end of my life, I have to answer to God.
Almost five years ago, my mentor told me, “God wants you to know you don’t owe anything to anyone but Him.” I’m paraphrasing here, but she was referring to my recovery following my second bought with cancer which was brutal. I have not gone into much detail about my struggle with endometrial cancer on this blog, except to post my testimony back in February on my Facebook page. From personal experience, I have found that God’s gifts often come in strange wrapping. That journey, and the five years since my last hospital stay have been necessary to better understand how God operates. He continues to insist that I understand His goodness despite life’s hardships and my hard-headedness, and His ability to redeem the ugly aspects of my life.
The main call of those who follow Jesus is to know Him well. His call to Himself is the first and greatest one people receive from the Savior. Growing up in church, people’s “calling” was often framed as a specific assignment they had from God, which was usually ministry related. Coupled with the call to ministry was the idea that God only calls us to success. The more people, the bigger and more well-known the ministry, and the more charismatic the individual, the better. While I do not believe God is calling us to mediocrity, success and the charm of personality can distract from the necessity of spiritual maturity, decreased hypocrisy, and a sensitivity to God’s voice.
“Do you trust me? Have I not proven that I am trustworthy? Will you trust me now, in this season?”
I cannot tell you how many times God has asked me these questions. What I do know is He is presenting them to me again.
Do not be wise in your own eyes…
I keep forgetting that God is not impressed by my self-sufficiency. Sometimes, I am like a child who keeps calling to their parent, “See! Look what I can do!” When I think about how I have had to lean on God over the past several years, my attempts to impress Him are silly.
reciprocity (n): the practice of exchanging things with others for mutual benefit
Last week, as I was getting ready for the day, I thought about conversations around inclusivity and the love God. At the heart of these dialogues is the belief that God loves people no matter what they do. I believe people are more likely to come to God if they understand He loves them. What’s missing from many of these conversations is the reality that God has a standard for how we live our lives, and that He has a right to do so. On this particular morning I thought about how self-absorbed we can be in our relationship with God and forget He desires reciprocity.
Most people understand relationships thrive or diminish based on reciprocity, respect, trust, and consistency. This is true in families, platonic and romantic relationships, and in the workplace. In contrast, once people come to church, the idea of reciprocity with God seems to go out the window even as people volunteer for ministries and attend services on a regular basis.
In some Christian circles, I have heard people say, “God doesn’t need you! He’s powerful all by Himself.” I get what they’re trying to say, because God can accomplish His purpose in a variety of ways. The Bible depicts God calling people from all walks of life. Nonetheless, we too often forget that God is relational. Worse yet, we may cultivate a narcissistic relationship with Him in which He exists simply to meet our needs. God wants to engage with us on a more meaningful level than listening to our needs and wants. Reciprocity demands that we also listen to Him. We all know what it’s like to be in a relationship in which one party expects their needs to be met without taking into consideration the other party would like the same.
In John 14:15, Jesus said, “If you love me, keep my commandments.” Many people have replaced Jesus’ words with, “God understands my heart” which allows them to live in any manner without accountability or reciprocity. If we are to please God, we also need to ask ourselves whether we are even interested in understanding and responding to His heart.
I believe God is looking for people who are interested in hearing from Him about His concerns, not just their own. I know the process of sitting with God long enough to hear what He wants to share with us is an ongoing one because of distractions and responsibilities.
Lord, forgive us for thinking our spiritual walk is all about fulfilling our needs and building the lives we want. Help us to be reciprocal in our relationship with You.
“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One of understanding.” -Proverbs 10:27
This day I call on the heavens and the earth witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD you God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. – Deuteronomy 30:19-20
Elijah went before the people and said, “How long will you halter between two opinions? If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.” – I Kings 18:38
…my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also reject you as my priests; because you have ignored the law of our God, I will also ignore your children. – Hosea 4:6
To say the United States is in turmoil would be an understatement; however, we’ve been this way for a while. Our approach is usually the same, to turn to politicians to solve our issues even though we know lobbyists, corporations, and extremely wealthy individuals make campaign contributions to ensure their agendas are accomplished. We ask ourselves and one another why there is so much chaos and death, and we are desperate for relief.
A few months ago, my pastor made the following statement during a Sunday morning message, “Christians have been quiet about a number of things for a while, but there is coming a time when you will have to take a stand.” One of the main ways Christians have become silent over the years on several issues is to allow people tell us how we should love them. That love generally equates to us lying to people so they don’t see us as self-righteous and judgmental. Are those two attitudes sometimes present in the church? Absolutely. Do we also need to show grace to people? Yes. At this point, I’m sick of these arguments because they imply that non-Christians have somehow overcome their hypocrisy and inconsistency. As Christians, we’re still battling our human nature. Furthermore, we need to acknowledge that there are “wolves in sheep’s clothing” in many of our churches. Although that scripture is often used to criticize church leadership that have the wrong motivations, it applies to the people in the pews. We’ve also allowed ourselves to be played when people use the one verse everyone seems to know, although they take it out of context, “Judge not lest you be judged.” Yet, I’ve also noticed that people don’t mind the hypocrisy of Christians when it supports the way they want to live their lives.
If anyone in the church is asking why or how our nation is in its current condition, it is because of extreme compromise in the body of Christ. If we’re honest, the Christianity of this nation is largely cultural, and not built on following Jesus. It has been tainted with political affiliations from which we need to repent, myself included. What many of us have done over the last few decades is decide we can come into agreement with fornication, promiscuity, pornography, adultery, witchcraft, gossip, unforgiveness, jealousy, and other mess and please God. As a matter of fact, many Christians are not concerned about pleasing God, we’re mainly concerned with whether the church service will have a good vibe. We have even tried to appease ourselves by saying, “God knows my heart.” We can’t afford to flatter ourselves that our decisions, public and private, have no consequences.
I absolutely believe that God is gracious and gives us chances to turn from wrong beliefs and behaviors; however, many Christians have manufactured a God who is all love and no consequences.
I have been thinking about several scriptures lately, three of which I placed at the top of this post. I am deeply grieved by the rage, murder, and violence that are rampant in the United States; however, the root of this mess in people rejecting God. Let’s be clear, I am not naïve enough to think this nation was ever as good as revisionist history would have us believe. Evil has always had its place in this nation, but there were still boundaries.
Photo Credit: Tom Parsons on Unsplash
I also know many Christians focus solely on the love of Jesus and don’t pay attention to spiritual principles outlined in the Old Testament. Jesus also spoke about hell (Matthew 13:36-43), something that is almost never mentioned in church anymore. He also stated there was a narrow and broad road (Matthew 7:13-14). The narrow road leads to life while the broad one leads to destruction. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for sin, so we did not have to continue animal sacrifices and is our high priest forever; however, I believe the blessings and curses outlined in the Old Testament still apply. There is a reason why so many young people are dying as a result of school shootings, and the cause is not just the lack of effective gun laws. Children are also dying because of suicide, murder, accidents, and being aborted in the womb.
For the past few decades, young people have been fed the message that they are wonderful and special, but many have not had boundaries enforced. They are not honoring their mothers and fathers that their days may be long. Rampant disrespect leads to early death, and yet people insist on their right to sow death while complaining about the consequences of their behavior. In addition, many grow up in chaotic homes raised by parents who have not addressed their own traumas. I’m a firm believer that going to therapy and talking to God about trauma in your lineage is important for healing of individuals, families, and communities.
To compound matters, nature is out of control. In the Old Testament, beginning in Genesis, the earth was cursed because of Adam and Eve’s decision to disobey God. If you read throughout the Old Testament, drought was often a sign of judgement for the people’s rebellion. Every time I hear the word climate change, I think, “No, this is judgement for rebellion.” Our problem is we don’t really believe the stories in the Bible occurred. To us, they are just morality tales.
The Bible indicates that judgement begins with the house of God (I Peter 4:17) and Jesus is returning for a Bride (the church) without spot or wrinkle (Ephesians 5:27). We are ridiculously spotted and wrinkled. When we see the fall of certain well-known pastors and ministries due to scandals that are being exposed, I believe God is cleaning house; however, the cleaning is also for the congregants and casual church goers who believe they can continue their private sin and rebellion because they’re not as well-known as Joel Osteen and TD Jakes. Unfortunately, we are like the emperor in the children’s tale who insisted that he was dressed in the most beautiful clothing although he was naked. We cannot be healed if we do not acknowledge our sin before God. I am not coming from a place of perfection, but we have to get back to having reverence for God. Right now, we often treat Him as a casual lover who we go to when we need to feel good or help.
Practice asking. Consider what people expect of you and how you may hesitate to ask for what you want or need. So, here’s a concrete example. I like plants. Well, like is an understatement because I have a huge collection! I received a plant order last Saturday and was unhappy until I decided to address the issue. I thought about how I have responded to customer concerns when they’ve ordered from my Etsy store. I always make things right if there’s an issue which means I take the loss. I reached out to the seller because I’ve ordered from her in the past and am accustomed to pristine quality. This plant was not in that category or the one next to it. Last Monday, I sent the seller a politely worded message with pictures praising her excellent customer service, packaging, and lovely plants. The second plant in the order was gorgeous so, the two of them looked like like ol’ Leroy had hooked up with a much younger woman. The seller has a no refund/no exchange policy although customers may reach out if there is an issue with their order. Long story short, she responded the same day and said she’d mail out a replacement plant within a few days.
Photo Credit: Julene Wilson (one third or one fourth of my collection)
I’ve also been thinking about what my Uber driver said on Friday as he drove me home from TJ Maxx. Abdullah had helped me with two small but heavy tables I had purchased to display plants.
“You deserve to be helped.”
No, he was not flirting. I believe God wanted me to hear those words.
I had a brief but emotional moment in the backseat but maintained my composure. It‘s always been hard for me to ask for help. I think this habit is a combination of pride and not wanting to make other people’s lives difficult, a habit I learned as a child. I also realize that people expect a lot from women of color, but there’s often very little reciprocity. Think about setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm then you still have to put out the flames and take yourself to the hospital. That’s what many of our lives look like.
Abdullah explained Uber’s policy of not wanting drivers to lift packages or load things into their trunk, which adds context to some of my experiences although I believe there are other factors. He explained that despite his back surgery-I could see the scar at the back of his neck, he tried to help his customers, especially old men and women. He said his wife warned him to be careful and urged him to quit.
“But who will pay the bills or my children’s tuition?”
Even as I told him to be careful and take care of himself, I thought about how receiving care or gifts from people often embarrasses me.
Photo Credit: Julene Wilson, Hoya wayetti
Sometimes self-care and self-love look like expecting the same level of excellence from people they expect from you. To quote TD Jakes, “Relationships die when there is a lack of reciprocity.” Do you have a reciprocative relationship with yourself, or do you give your best to others and expect nothing in return? Learning the art of asking may take practice, so start with small requests.
My replacement hoya wayetti arrived last Thursday.
Therefore, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. -Romans 8:1-2
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. -Galatians 5:1
So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. -Galatians 5:16
I had surgery less than three weeks ago. The day after the procedure, an older woman who is a friend from church stopped by with dinner. We chatted and laughed as we shared the meal she had brought. When it was time for her to leave, we prayed. One of my requests was for a “made up mind.” There’s nothing more powerful than a made up mind.
A moment ago, I thought about how the spiritual intensity and attacks I have felt over the last several years have made me want to give up more times than I’d like to admit. Here’s the thing-the Enemy is not going to let up his attack against you just because you decide to curl into a ball and surrender. I had to say that to myself today. I had to remind myself of who I am and what I possess. Moreover, I am a spiritual soldier and war does not cease simply because I don’t want to fight. Fortunately, The weapons we fight with are not carnal, they are mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds (II Corinthians 10:4).
What are our weapons? I could start with how a Christian’s weapons are salvation through Jesus Christ, prayer, praise, reading the word and putting it into practice, and fasting. Another weapon is to remain around other Christians and have accountability partners you respect. I will also say that the primary weapon that allows us to utilize the others is the awareness that we have a new identity in Christ. I will no longer identify myself by things I struggle with. I am a daughter of the most high God. That’s my identity from which other aspects of my being flow.
Jesus calls us to freedom. It’s not the cheap freedom that society promises which basically says, “Do whatever you feel like because you only live once.” As we can see, much trauma in the world has been caused by people living it up. I also believe that we sometimes cause our own disillusionment by setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves and other people. Only God is perfect, dependable, and has a full understanding of who we are. We are filtering everything, including our perspectives of ourselves, through our past and current experiences which are contextual. There are so many things from which we need to be set free-the desire the please people, the desire to constantly indulge our own passions, freedom from the past, freedom from worry and anxiety, freedom from disillusionment, distrust, and cynicism.
I have fought God more times than I can count. Let me tell you, God will allow you to throw your infantile temper tantrum and then tell you to pick up the assignment He gave you this morning, yesterday, last week, or a decade ago. What I love about the gospels is Jesus never begs anyone to follow Him. He loves well, meets people’s needs, and answers the questions of those who are curious or confused. But He never begs. He also knew that following Him would not be easy so He told his disciples to count the cost, take up their cross daily, and wait for the Holy Spirit. What makes it difficult to be a Christian in today’s world is that so many messages are about leveling up. There are very few messages about living a life of sacrifice, or that following Christ may be difficult at times. I know from experience that God is able to provide joy in the most difficult of circumstances. But, I fear that many church leaders have left their congregants unprepared to withstand the pressures of life and keep following God in spite of them. We as Christians are also responsible to talk to God for ourselves instead of always expecting someone who we deem as more spiritual to do that work.
I have found God to be more generous and patient than I could have imagined when I was younger. I also realize that some of the accusations I have hurled at God are based on how people have treated me which resulted in a sometimes unconscious distrust of God’s character. Interrogate your doubt. Where did it come from? When, how, and through whom were the seeds planted?
This morning, I woke up and began to thank God for sustaining me. Being grateful always shifts my perspective about my life and reminds me that if I put in the work, anything is possible. One of the most dangerous ideas that has permeated our society a person has failed if they have not accomplished certain hallmarks by thirty or forty. These expectations usually have to do with a career, getting married and starting a family. Technological advancement, economic downturn, outsourcing jobs and a shift in values means that most people of my generation and later will not have the same job for forty years as was common with previous generations. Circumstances force us to be flexible and the option to do so cannot be underestimated. Furthermore, we are less likely to be loyal to companies because the American Dream seems to be harder to achieve. Another consideration is how these factors have led people to put off having children until they are financially stable. Some have given up on the idea altogether. In terms of a second career, I refuse to be fatalistic because I know I’m going to be fine.
A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity.
I am also grateful because a friend’s great nephew is recovering from a gunshot wound to the head. Over the last week, he has steadily improved and is able to open his eyes, talk and move. He’s only eighteen years old and his life was on a trajectory headed towards destruction. Fortunately, he’s still alive. He doesn’t know me but I am excited for him and the life he has ahead of him. Most young men who live the street life do so in search of identity. That quest usually leads to jail or death.
Though this eighteen-year-old and I differ in terms of gender and age, we have both been given new leases on life. I have been thinking about how the wrong perspective can turn an opportunity to curdled milk. Everything about spoiled milk is stomach turning- the look, smell, and taste. A defeatist mindset curdles opportunity. If you’ve been reading my posts, you’ll know that I fight against a victim mindset which is both contrary to faith and counterproductive. So, I keep asking myself, “In spite of what has happened, what possibilities still exist to live a purposeful life? What mindsets and habits do I need to shift to make room for what I want? What are my passions? What are concrete steps I can take to meet my goals?” These are important questions. However, I know that too much time spent thinking about my answers to them is out of balance. Certain questions will be answered by doing.
As I am typing, I recall the words my last counselor said to me at the end of our time working together, “I’m excited for you.” This morning, I am excited for myself.
I woke up this morning thinking about yesterday’s post which was an attempt to work through why I disliked the phrase “God helps those who help themselves” for several years but eventually came around to seeing it contained some truth. I believe that God is merciful and helps us when we’ve placed ourselves in a tight spot and we ask for help. However, I also believe that it is not God’s intent for us to be so undisciplined that we always experience hardship.
As I rolled out of bed, the principle of sowing and reaping came to mind. I realized I failed to mention this in yesterday’s post which is why it felt incomplete. It’s taken from Galatians 6:7 which says, “Do not deceived. God cannot be mocked. People reap what they sow.” This principle works in the spiritual and in the natural. Whether you are a Christian or not, most people know that unless they work for something, they’ll have nothing at the end of a given period. Barring outside influences or a mistake on one’s part, continuous discipline leads to results. Let me provide you with a concrete example. I have battled with my weight for years. However, when I walk for several weeks, my leg muscles become stronger and I feel more energized. When I eat more vegetables, it is easier for me to concentrate and I don’t have migraines. In other words, there’s no magic. Taking care of myself over an extended period of time leads to non-scale victories even though the number on the scale decreases incrementally. I’ve been guilty of praying about my health but not taking actionable steps to improve it. Not only is this practice silly and immature, it places the onus on God to do for me what I can do for myself. Hence, “God helps those who help themselves.”
The Bible is written about people who were farmers and herders. They understood that if they did not work they land, they would have nothing to harvest when the season came for it. The Hebrews also had to inspect their flocks to ensure that there was no disease. Shepherds were responsible for leading sheep and other grazing animals to pasture and protecting them from wild animals. None of this was easy. However, after bringing grain and animal sacrifices to the temple, people were free to enjoy the fruits of their labor. I also realize that God wants us to participate in our blessing. The danger in some church circles is that people believe that singing their favorite song at the top of their lungs or attending church will automatically bring positive results in other spheres of their life. I’m not talking down to anyone because I’ve been there and done that. Anyone who’s spent their life in church or been to church for several years will tell you this is not how things work. One of the issues is there is too sharp a delineation between the spiritual and the secular which leads to us compartmentalizing things two things that are actually intertwined. We are spiritual eternal beings in temporal bodies.
Can I make a confession? I am a chronic over thinker. I can gnaw a thought to frayed ends and then still continue to chew on it. For example, I’m thinking too much about my dissertation. Although I want to present research that is coherent and honors the people I interviewed, I don’t need to agonize over it. In other areas of my life, there are certain things I don’t think about doing because they just need to be done (i.e paying rent and other bills). I don’t debate whether I should do my laundry or take out the garbage. My dissertation is arguably more complex than the household responsibilities I just mentioned. Nonetheless, I just need to make a commitment to writing regardless of how I feel.
The first person I heard say “God helps those who help themselves” was a high school teacher. I did well in his class but this phrase still made me uncomfortable. At the time, it seemed to imply that those who suffered hardship were always in control of their circumstances. Over the years, I’ve also heard it used by people who want to absolve themselves of caring for their neighbor. In Western culture, there is more of a focus on individualism versus communal responsibility. It’s one of those phrases that falls in line with “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” Some people don’t have footwear and others don’t have feet. However, there is some truth to the adage. There are times when the trouble in which we find ourselves is of our own making. Furthermore, the victim mindset prevents us from seeing a way out. Part of being an adult especially if I am a Christian, is to own my mess. Everything is not someone else’s fault and I can’t be the victim in every story.
Photo Credit: Julene Wilson
This August marks three years since I left the hospital after a weeklong stay to recover from the effects of chemotherapy. Since then, I have been doing a lot of unpacking. Here are some lessons that I’ve learned since then about what God will and will not do.
God will not be manipulated by my temper tantrums or self-pity. Life can be hard y’all. It’s hard in different ways for billions of people. The story that is unfolding in Afghanistan in the midst of a global pandemic is just another example of how difficult things can become. I want to be careful to say I do not mean that our individual struggles do not matter simply because the world is on fire, literally and figuratively. We absolutely need to process our particular issues and how they impact us. Nonetheless, we can get to a place where we believe that God owes us something for the pain we’ve suffered which is a normal human response. To stay in that mindset is also not helpful. There are times when God allows us to catch a glimpse of how our pain can serve a purpose but sometimes He doesn’t and that’s His right. While that’s frustrating, I don’t think we are as prepared as we think we are to handle the answers to some of the questions we ask God.
God will not do for me what I can do for myself. Most times, God nudges me when He wants me to address something in my life. After my first cancer battle, I realized I needed to begin therapy. I had to unpack what it meant for me to be so checked out from my body that I did not make the connection between my health issues and how difficult it was for me to work and attend graduate school. I had to deal with the unresolved trauma that made me uncomfortable with being touched by medical professionals which led to neglecting my health and ultimately, cancer. I am also unpacking what it meant for me to not struggle with the decision to to relinquish my womb. Although I believe I made the right choice because the cancer came back with a vengeance, I am now aware that I never thought I’d be married or have children anyway. Nonetheless, I now better understand my friends’ concerns about undergoing a partial hysterectomy even though I was frustrated and hurt by their opinions. They seemed to be privilege a potential spouse and children over my real health issues. I know their concern was genuine but they did not fully understand what was taking place in my body because I did not disclose certain details. These last few sentences need their own post(s) or a book.
The truth is that any kind healing is often a complicated, drawn out business and I have to participate in the process instead of just expecting God to make me whole. Healing comes in facing things and realizing they’re not so monstrous they can’t be overcome. I realize that I must deal with what has been done to me, what I’ve done to myself and lastly, what I’ve done to others. Sometimes I am the perpetrator. The ability to participate in my own healing is a gift because it shows that God has given me what I need to thrive in spite of hardship and bad choices. That in itself is grace.
God will not make me disciplined about anything-not about managing time, money, resources, health or other areas of my life. I can’t shout and praise my way to discipline. I can’t quote Bible verses in place of discipline. Neither can you. Jesus said the person who listened to Him and put His words into practice was like a house built on a rock that could withstand life’s storms. The person who just listened or mentally assented was like a foolish person whose house was built on sand. That house was destroyed by the same storm.
God will not not make up my mind for me. If I’m honest, I sometimes want God to write in the sky before I make a decision which causes me to waste valuable time. There are times when I should be cautious in my decision making. However, there are certainly occasions when I need to make a choice and trust God to walk with me through that process. We don’t trust that God is able to redirect us if we take a wrong turn in our attempt to follow Him. The visual I have is of a child who is just learning how to walk. They usually keep checking in with their parent to make sure they’ll catch them if they fall. Their posture and facial expression is, “You’ll help me if I hurt myself, right?” That’s often how we approach God.
God will not make me believe Him. The extent to which I believe Him will be evidenced in the unconscious and conscious choices I make throughout the day. Faith shows up in whether I give into my emotions or acknowledge them and move on. Furthermore, the extent to which I believe God is based on trust and I am aware of how life experiences can make it difficult for me to do so.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I am so grateful for this period of my life where I have the privilege to unpack and make wiser decisions based on what I have found.
Photo Credit: Harry Cunningham, @harry.digital on Instagram
Last week, I started a long piece about the shootings in Atlanta but, I could not get the words out although I spent the week working on it. This morning, my friend told me about the mass shooting in Boulder, Colorado. The photos on CNN’s website seemed familiar and, I realized two friends and I had been there in October 2019. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw the King Scooper Supermarket sign. We had gone into that supermarket to buy groceries for our Airbnb stay. I wanted to spend time with my close friends who had been with me almost every night over my three-week hospital stay at the end of 2017 when I was diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer. My time in Colorado was the first time I had taken myself on vacation although I have travelled to other countries, visited half of the states and returned to the island of my birth, Saint Vincent. I am almost out of tears for what is happening in this nation. It is possible to weep yourself dry.
I hesitated to write this post because, I find it much easier to write about a number of things although I have a dissertation to complete. I feel that I should shut my mouth and apply myself to schoolwork. However, I am reminded that it was not the theories that I learned in graduate school that preserved my life when I was sick. The living God and the people He placed around me, carried me through the valley of the shadow of death so I have to honor Him.
At this moment, most of us feel the weight of evil in our nation and around the world. As we grieve, pray, demand justice and a change in policies, it would appear that we are experiencing a never-ending wave of destruction. I submit to you that the rise in violence is another opportunity to change course after careful examination of what we value an individual, familial, communal and national level. Finger pointing is not sufficient to address societal wrongs. Calling out evil out in the world without sitting with the evil inside of me is problematic. I also contribute to collective evil and I have to ask God to examine me. I know that’s not what people want to hear right now and I hear you. I too am wondering how long racial violence will operate in this country. How long will white men be allowed to act out their depraved ideology with deadly consequences? How long will we fail to have proper gun legislation? How long will we pretend that US military presence and policies in other nations have nothing to do with the tide of people at our southern border? How long will this nation lie to itself that we are the best?
I am reminded of Nehemiah chapter one in which this prophet leader receives news from Hanani about the conditions of the Jewish people in exile and those who still lived in Jerusalem. The context is that the Jewish people were under Babylonian rule after Jerusalem was sacked years before and its people taken away. A were few behind to work the land. The Babylonians had destroyed the walls of the city which left its residents vulnerable to attack. Even though Nehemiah was in a privileged position as cupbearer to the King in the capital of Susa (Iran), he had a heart for those among his people who were in destitute conditions. As a black woman who is a naturalized citizen from the Caribbean, I see all too often how people like me are tempted to buy into certain aspects of white supremacist capitalist ideology in order to achieve the American Dream. Education along with my mentor’s challenge to interrogate interracial issues and my own racial encounters forced me to begin to divorce white supremacist thinking. I am still examining myself to see which roots still need to be removed.
What draws me to Nehemiah is that he takes responsibility for collective sin. He repents for his personal sins and the sins of his ancestral family then proceeds to repent for the sins of the nation. Collective repentance is what is needed in America, first beginning with the church. I am not going to wait for institutional leaders to repent for national sins past and present. I have been in repentance and prayer for my sin, the sins of my family and this nation.
‘Then I said: “LORD, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my ancestral family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.”’
Nehemiah 1:5-7
I also submit to you that it is problematic for me to think that I am only part of the solution but not part of the collective evil in this nation. Self-righteousness takes different forms, and we defend ours while castigating people for theirs.
As I have listened to people’s arguments about why they question the existence of God, their reasons usually boil down to the evil in the world. These individuals always discuss the external evil but omit their personal evil. Evil exists because we have free will and we would do anything to hold onto it. The mantra of the United States is “I have the right to…” I cannot only discuss the misogyny, racism, xenophobia, sizeism, colorism, texturism, classism and, sexual assaults that I have experienced. I have to consider how my internalized racism negatively impacted students. I have to consider how my self-righteousness led people to believe that they had to fix themselves before they approached God. I have to consider my own sins that are separate from personal quirks. I have to contend with how my failure to accept God’s invitation to healing led me to harm myself and other people. To say that I did not mean to inflict harm does not remove the evil that I committed or its consequences.
If we want healing in this country, we have to get raw before God with our own mess and the historical devastation that continues to bear fruit in this nation and around the world. We do not get to invoke Jesus for our Gospel of snark, sarcasm, self-righteousness and social justice. I believe God cares about addressing the needs of marginalized people. However, if we do not get to know the God in whose image we and other people are made, our efforts will fail. We have to be careful of invoking Jesus to take our side in arguments in an effort to shame and manipulate people to agree with us yet resist how His words expose our own darkness. When we quote the words of Jesus in memes and slick posts, we are inadvertently saying that His words have authority and by default, He himself has authority. We do not get to invoke Jesus but resist His demand that we submit to Him. That goes for church folks and non-church folks. This truth applies to the church writ large regardless of the racial and socioeconomic demographics of its congregants. To invoke Jesus without knowing Him is an attempt to manipulate Him for our purposes. We are lying to ourselves if we think God is under our control and He exists to do our bidding. We can’t even try that mess with our parents!
To my fellow Christians, “It is time for judgement to begin with the people of God” (I Peter 4:17). We’re off base. We have made church about strobe lights, coffee and donuts, how well the choir sings, the size of the congregation, the style of the preaching and the pastor’s personality. Christians all too often preach the gospel of feelings instead of the Gospel of Jesus. We will be held accountable for our failure to center Jesus which has led people astray. Jesus is the gospel, not principles of right living and social justice even though our walk with him should reflect a heart for justice. The church lacks authority and anointing because we are off base. Repent. The book of Revelations begins with John’s address to the the seven churches (Revelations 1-3). God deals with His people first before He addresses the world because,
“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
Healing Joy Ministries 
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