I wrote this post on the third day of the third decade of the twenty-first century, January 3rd, 2020. Over the past few months, I have been living with a kind of quiet urgency that asks the relentless question of why I am here. I prayed to be alive during my recurrence of cancer, fought to be alive with a ferocity I did not know I possessed. God answered that prayer, not because I am more special that those who died from cancer and other illnesses, but because that is what He decided. I prayed that as long as there was something for me to accomplish on this side of eternity, I wanted to live. I wanted to live to see my three nephews grow up. But at the heart of my desire was one to see what I would become. I realize that becoming is really about choices rather than wishes, no matter how sincere those wishes may be. In order to shift the trajectory of my life, I have to conduct an honest audit of my life thus far-the habits, mindsets, choices, and circumstances that led me to this current moment. Some would say I have accomplished much compared to other people. That is besides the point because my biggest competitor is myself. I am engaged in a constant war against fear and complacency.
Part of getting older is the refusal to let anything – circumstances outside of my control and the choices I have made – to derail me. In my mind, I see my sixty-year-old self looking back at me and thanking me for the choices I made twenty-three years in her past. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will Iive to be sixty. My life thus far has shown me that life is uncertain. However, it is wise to have the awareness of life’s uncertainties and still plan as though you will live to old age. In the event of the latter, I want to make myself proud. Fear is not an excuse not to try.
A life beyond mere existence requires regular assessment, not for the purpose of navel gazing, but for the purpose of measuring progress and determining what is important. Like many people, I make the mistake of focusing on obvious bad habits such as procrastination. However, I have come to realize that I can easily become sidetracked by what is good. For example, I like to show up for those close to me. I believe that if you care about people, you should be a dependable individual. However, as a woman, and like so many socialized to place the needs of others before themselves, that good quality caused me to neglect myself. I am now in a place where I have to rein in a “good quality” in order to pursue what is best for me in the long run. My decision is not about getting rid of “bad people.” I seek balance to live more productively. What I have found is that I am better at showing up for other people than I am at showing up for myself. I have been asking myself why that is and when I started to act in this manner.
Part of the reason why decisions to change fail is we never investigate the underlying causes. We apply our energy to symptoms and flounder in our determination to change as time progresses because our efforts are focused on the wrong thing.
I am hopeful for what lies ahead and for the choices I am making now that will lay a foundation for my future self.
Happy New Year.
Healing Joy Ministries 