Adjustments and Expectations

I’ll title this post once I’m done writing because I don’t have clue what I want to say. I just know I need to write.

It’s Christmas Eve and the sun won’t rise for the next two and a half hours. The world is still. By now most people have flown out or driven to their destinations to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. I’m reminiscing about the madness surrounding Y2K in 1999. People were afraid their computers would crash and possibly bring life to standstill. Those who were alive and remember can laugh at the mild worry that existed. We survived and are here to tell the tale of all that has transpired over the past twenty years.

The thing about getting older is that you usually have a different perspective about certain things. For example, I used to think that someone in their thirties was “old.” I also possessed the naive belief that adults knew what they were doing. That’s part of the reason why many children don’t worry. Until life proves us wrong, we honestly believe that adults have everything figured out. Why else would they expect so much from us or dole out advice? I’ve come to the realization that adults are just older children with some knowledge who are still trying to figure things out. Not having to know everything is a relief. And yet, the nagging feeling that you don’t know as much as you need to know may be one of the undercurrents of life. And the fight against cynicism is real. 

Over the past twenty years, I prepared to graduate high school and transition to undergrad. I had a career and completed my master’s. I entered my PhD program and battled cancer twice. Now, I often tell myself the years since graduating undergrad have been about drawing my own conclusion about God’s character. Borrowed faith from sermons and family can not sustain us. We have to experience God for ourselves. Is God good or is He capricious ? Is God spiteful and vengeful rather than compassionate and caring? Is God dependable or does He take joy is watching us flay for help in life’s unexpected and difficult circumstances? Is God merciful or does He hold our past mistakes and failures against us? Are we here for purpose or just to have fun, pay bills and breath air? Is life a roll of the die or something more intentional?

My life thus far has told me that while I can not always figure God out, He is always intentional and far more compassionate than I ever imagined Him to be. Over the past year, I have been struck by the realization that my existence occurred without my consent or input. For some, this is a question they thought about years ago. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question before. I’ve just been preoccupied with other things. The specificity of my placement in time and space along with other factors leads me to the realization that God is in the details. Written into my physical DNA is the script for my physical representation in the world but I also have a spiritual DNA which God spoke into existence. In the noise of life, the spiritual DNA fights to express itself the way God intended. 

Being the stubborn person I am, I have fought God over the details of my life. I have demanded answers to certain things and been arrogant enough to believe I could handle the weight of those answers. Life is teaching me that certain knowledge belongs to God and He will not give those secrets to us just because we throw a fit. And that’s the wisdom of God, to know what to withhold and what to give, and when and how to do both. 

I am looking forward to the new year. My vision board is mounted on the wall in front of me. I’ve had to make adjustments and adjust my timeline about certain goals of the past three or four years I’ve had it. There is a joy and anticipation in knowing there is more in me than I could ever have dreamed, which was the design of an intentional God. For however long I’m on this side of eternity, I want to express my spiritual DNA which requires clearing myself from noise. 

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, whichever you prefer.