Adjustments and Expectations

I’ll title this post once I’m done writing because I don’t have clue what I want to say. I just know I need to write.

It’s Christmas Eve and the sun won’t rise for the next two and a half hours. The world is still. By now most people have flown out or driven to their destinations to celebrate the holidays with family and friends. I’m reminiscing about the madness surrounding Y2K in 1999. People were afraid their computers would crash and possibly bring life to standstill. Those who were alive and remember can laugh at the mild worry that existed. We survived and are here to tell the tale of all that has transpired over the past twenty years.

The thing about getting older is that you usually have a different perspective about certain things. For example, I used to think that someone in their thirties was “old.” I also possessed the naive belief that adults knew what they were doing. That’s part of the reason why many children don’t worry. Until life proves us wrong, we honestly believe that adults have everything figured out. Why else would they expect so much from us or dole out advice? I’ve come to the realization that adults are just older children with some knowledge who are still trying to figure things out. Not having to know everything is a relief. And yet, the nagging feeling that you don’t know as much as you need to know may be one of the undercurrents of life. And the fight against cynicism is real.

Over the past twenty years, I prepared to graduate high school and transition to undergrad. I had a career and completed my master’s. I entered my PhD program and battled cancer twice. Now, I often tell myself the years since graduating undergrad have been about drawing my own conclusion about God’s character. Borrowed faith from sermons and family can not sustain us. We have to experience God for ourselves. Is God good or is He capricious ? Is God spiteful and vengeful rather than compassionate and caring? Is God dependable or does He take joy is watching us flay for help in life’s unexpected and difficult circumstances? Is God merciful or does He hold our past mistakes and failures against us? Are we here for purpose or just to have fun, pay bills and breath air? Is life a roll of the die or something more intentional?

My life thus far has told me that while I can not always figure God out, He is always intentional and far more compassionate than I ever imagined Him to be. Over the past year, I have been struck by the realization that my existence occurred without my consent or input. For some, this is a question they thought about years ago. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question before. I’ve just been preoccupied with other things. The specificity of my placement in time and space along with other factors leads me to the realization that God is in the details. Written into my physical DNA is the script for my physical representation in the world but I also have a spiritual DNA which God spoke into existence. In the noise of life, the spiritual DNA fights to express itself the way God intended.

Being the stubborn person I am, I have fought God over the details of my life. I have demanded answers to certain things and been arrogant enough to believe I could handle the weight of those answers. Life is teaching me that certain knowledge belongs to God and He will not give those secrets to us just because we throw a fit. And that’s the wisdom of God, to know what to withhold and what to give, and when and how to do both.

I am looking forward to the new year. My vision board is mounted on the wall in front of me. I’ve had to make adjustments and adjust my timeline about certain goals of the past three or four years I’ve had it. There is a joy and anticipation in knowing there is more in me than I could ever have dreamed, which was the design of an intentional God. For however long I’m on this side of eternity, I want to express my spiritual DNA which requires clearing myself from noise.

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, whichever you prefer.

The Understanding of Myself

Image result for free images of eagles flying — Photo Credit: Danny O’ Driscoll

Earthbound,

But longing for sky

Wind, rushing

beneath

wings

Sunlit

Eagle eyed

Intent on pursuit

Riding invisible waves of air

God watches from the heavens

The realization occurs to me that I alone can decide what I will believe about myself

And because God usually speaks in whispers

I decided that his decibel was not loud enough for my clogged ears

So I chose speakers of another kind

Only to find the noise of this world was not articulate enough to speak to the core of me

Could never master the Divine tongue which spoke me into existence

I untether and come into agreement with the Almighty

Pull the headphones out of my ears

and listen to my Creator

I am who the I Am declares me to be

Spoke me from eternity

Days ordained before one came to be

Hemmed in behind and before

Intimately known

God knew me before I existed

Quilting soul with spirit with body

Declared me wonderful!

And His thoughts concerning me are without number

Father spoke life to my crushed spirit

Making me a coheir through the shed blood of His Son

Now the Spirit resides in this earthen vessel

And the breath of God fills this mortal frame

The unlikeliest of holy temples

And dry bones come alive

Lit by holy fire

These light and momentary troubles

are nothing compared to eternal glory

they have produced something indestructible

hardness inpenetrable

diamond strong

gold refined

God’s strength in the midst of human weakness

I have waited upon the Lord and found Him consistent

I have found him able to handle the weight of my sorrows

Willing and capable of healing the deepest pain

I now take flight

Attaining heights He foreordained

For me to climb

Before the foundations of universe and world were laid

Before time and space collided

Before stars were born

And gravity bound wandering feet to earth

Father, Son, and Spirit declared me worthy of being an image bearer of their divinity

Gave me the ability to speak and create

God set me in history

With a precision only He can execute

Called

Chosen

Sent

To declare His glory

To show that resurrection occurs in the here and now

And not just the hereafter

gofundme

My friend and I put together a gofundme campaign to help raise money for my medical bills. I will eventually create a separate page with this information. For now, you can read about my campaign at the following link, https://www.gofundme.com/manage/help-pay-off-medical-debt-from-cancer-treatment#

Run Your Own Race- Not Quite PhinisheD

(Originially written on Saturday, May 4th, 2019). I recently saw a kevonstage video which spoke about running your own race. I watched it earlier today and thought it was timely given the way I’ve been feeling. As a graduate student, I have to constantly resist the urge to compare myself to other people. I’m successful for the most part. As I watched my friends and peers emerge in their regalia, I was proud I could witness their moment of accomplishment. However, yesterday was hard. Last year, I missed a number of my friends and peers graduate because I was in New York. Yesterday was a reminder that more people would be moving on.

Over the last few weeks, I have become more emotional about graduation. My joy for others has been mingled with a questioning of my own progress. Although I had to take more than a year off from my program in order to undergo treatment and recover from my cancer recurrence, a part of me feels as though I’m behind because I was not hooded along with my cohort. I know it is foolish for me to think this way but human emotions can be illogical. Last year, I began my second round of chemotherapy on May 2nd. The day before Mother’s Day, I asked my sister-in-law to shave my hair off because it had started to fall out. I had no intention of traumatizing myself by waiting for my hair to come out in chunks.

Five years ago, I was recovering from surgery after being diagnosed with endometrial cancer. At that time, I focused on entering Michigan State University with an intensity that distracted me from the trauma my body had undergone. I steeled myself so that my emotions would not drown me. Nothing would prevent me from earning the doctorate I had wanted since I was an undergrad. As I went to doctors’ appointments and listened to their prognosis, I understood that cancer was a threat to my life. However, I also viewed it as an obstacle to my educational goals. Like a runner whose focus was on the finish line, I set my sights on moving to Michigan and beginning my program. I am surprised that half a decade has passed since then. One thing I realize is our race almost never resembles a straight trajectory. The path is full of curves, sudden dips in the terrain and steep climbs. Just as I have endured my personal battles in the midst of earning a doctorate, my peers have endured their own struggles. We each have our own path.

My journey is just as important as my destination. Along the way, I have been able to build endurance and strategies which will be helpful in furture battles. I am working through what it means to extend grace to myself and face things I was unwilling to address in the past. On this leg of my race, I’ve also been privileged to have wonderful individuals walk beside me. I’m in good company. As I complete program milestones, I’d do well to remember that my path is unique to who I am.

Shout out to my sister-in-law for calling me a few hours after I’d written my first draft of this post. She reminded me that even though I had not yet completed my program, I have come a long way since last year. By July 2018, I had become so weak that I needed to use my cane again. One night, my Mom positioned herself behind me, her smaller frame pressed against my back, and walked me to the bathroom. There were other times when she had to feed me. Another night, both my parents walked me to my room and put me to bed.

I’m stronger and continue to press forward. Thank God I didn’t die of cancer. Those things are worth celebrating.

I Don’t Want to Suffer

(Originally posted on Friday, April 19th, 2019). Today is Good Friday. The Bible describes Jesus’ last moments throughout the Gospels-the Last Supper where he washed his disciples’ feet where he flipped the script and showed them that to be truly great you had to willingly serve others, his agonizing moment in the Garden of Gethsemane where he told his Father, “If at all possible, let this cup pass from me. Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.”

I don’t like suffering. In a world where suffering is so commonplace we often become numb to it, I’d like to pass my cup. It does no good for me to say other people have suffered more than I have, or that I should be grateful that I’m still alive. I can acknowledge these things, turn them over in my mind again and again, mentally assent to them, and still say that I’d like to relinquish this experience if I could. At the end of the day, I have to carry my own cross.

In December 2017, I was diagnosed with a recurrence of endometrial cancer after almost two weeks in the hospital. It would be another week before I was able to go home. As a private person, I would rather not divulge the details of that experience to people but I will because I believe I should. I started to share on my personal Facebook page but thought a blog would be a more appropriate place to talk about my experience. Starting a blog is part of my healing and I believe my posts may be helpful to other people.

Jesus knew there was a purpose to his death but he didn’t pretend the process was an easy one. I won’t go through the details of cruxifiction here. If you’ve seen Passion of the Christ, you’ll see a fairly accurate picture of how the Romans carried out this form of punishment.

“Father if at all possible, would you let this cup pass from me?”

I remember one Sunday in the Spring of 2018 when I took an Uber to the hospital because I was experiencing pain on my left side. My main tumor was in my left pelvis and was large enough to press on my bladder and back up urine into my left kidney. To prevent me from going into kidney failure, my urologist placed a stint in my left ureter in December 2017. Fortunately, tests revealed I only had a bladder infection during this visit.

As I waited in the emergency room, I called a friend in Michigan who had been praying for me. During our conversation I told her “If I could crawl away from my body and leave it here, I would.” By this time, I had already completed my first round of radiation and chemotherapy. My health had improved but I was still experiencing hip pain and fatigue along with the emotional and spiritual toll of enduring a recurrence of cancer. Unlike the first time I was diagnosed with cancer at thirty-one, I am choosing to process the emotions that come my way. At that time, I did not have to undergo chemotherapy or radiation after the removal of my uterus and cervix. As I write this post, I realize the physical pain and treatment I underwent during my recurrence has mirrored my internal excavation. I continue to have doctors’ appointments, my most recent being a colonoscopy. However, the internal worked I’ve been forced to do during this process is not something I would have willingly done because I was not aware of some of the things I have buried over my thirty-six years.

I am trying to avoid Christian cliches as I write this blog. We are usually so uncomfortable with pain that we would rather serve people platitudes than sit with them in silence as they share something personal. I have been guilty of this. With that said, I am grappling with the God’s goodness in the midst of suffering. Romans 8:28 says,

“God works everything for the good of them that love him and have been called according to his purpose.”

We are often tested on the things we claim to believe. And that’s a good thing or else we risk living our lives by comforting words/beliefs that don’t hold up under pressure. During this process, I am waiting with expectation for God to weave this moment into something good. I’ve seen moments of my Father’s faithfulness during this journey. However, there are other moments when his goodness and purpose seem hard to trace. I know God is resurrecting me. I just have to undergo the process. And the process isn’t pretty.

No Life Without the Spirit

The longer I live, the more I realize that the Christian life-a life that honors God- is impossible to live without the help of the Holy Spirit. Now, I’ve heard this most of my life but the reality is hitting me now, more than ever. In Galatians 5, Paul explains the intense conflict between our flesh and the Spirit of God. The Spirit desires the things of God while the flesh desires to satisfy our desires. Being Spirit controlled leads to life, being controlled by your flesh leads to death. What I love about God is he allows us to make the decision to serve him.

I am also becoming more aware that I need to trust God’s guidance in all areas of my life. For a long time, I thought I only needed God in my areas of weakness. However, I realize that while something may not trip you up today, it can certainly trip you up tomorrow. Furthermore, from my own life, my areas of strength have led me to be arrogant at times. For example, prior to my first job, I never understood how people could work for a certain amount of money and never have any savings. Haha! Lord, have I learned to keep my mouth shut about that because I’ve found myself in the same boat. I’ve since left my first job but I’m still battling with using money as a means to deal with problems. However, graduate school, medical bills, and living on my own are forcing me to get in order. Lawd!

Jesus never begged anyone to follow him. He simply stated and demonstrated who he was, the earthly representation of the Father and the fulfillment of God’s promise to send Israel a deliverer. He knew who he was, and people’s decision to follow him or not follow him never diminished who he was. Jesus referred to himself as “I Am” which brings to mind Moses’ conversation with God in the wilderness. When God commanded him to go to deliver the people of Israel from Pharaoh, Moses asked God, “Who shall I say sent me?” God’s response was “Tell them, I Am sent you.” “I am” speaks to God’s self-existence. He exists, has always existed, and will always exist. So, when we fall in line with the Holy Sprit, who Jesus said would guide us into all truth and is part of the triune God, we fall in line with the self-existent God who has always existed and knows all things.

In a recent conversation with a friend, she said “Your need to buy things is rooted in a fear of lack.” When I was a child, my parents could not afford to buy me and my brother many things so we learned not to ask. However, my classmates commented on my clothing. I didn’t realize how much those experiences impacted me until I started earning money and began to deal with my emotions through shopping. I was finally able to buy the things I wanted when I wanted to buy them. Shopping gave me a rush and helped to numb my emotions. I liked my leather handbags and shoes, my accessories, and amassed a ridiculous sterling silver jewelry collection. What does the Holy Spirit have to do with any of this?

For a long time, I allowed my past to control me. That past was rooted in lack, fear, insecurity, and a host of other things. However, my most recent battle with cancer and its aftermath, have left me realizing that spiritual and emotional healing is much more important to me than physical healing. It makes no sense for me to recover from cancer and yet operate from a place of spiritual and emotional pain. I choose to no longer allow my past to control me. God is able to heal me in all areas of my life as I respond to the Spirit’s call to come under his influence.

Galatians chapter 5 verse 22 says self-control is one fruit of the Holy Spirit. As Pastor Michael Todd said in a message, “Being self-controlled is not about controlling yourself. It’s about choosing who you allow to control you.” I think that’s a great explanation of what it means to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. Furthermore, his statement shows that we are responsible for what and who we allow to control us. Furthermore, God does not kidnap us and force us to follow him. Free will allows us to consider who God and make a decision as to whether we will stand in agreement with him or follow our own desires. I am learning that it is absolutely useless to attend church, sing beautiful songs, but live without the help of the Holy Spirit.

Unhinged Tongue Abundant Life

Thanks for joining me!

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

-John 10:10

I started to set up this blog in October 2018 after my recurrence of endometrial cancer. I then abandoned this idea all the while knowing that I should return to it. Today is Wednesday, April 17th, 2019. I’ve decided that today is as good a day as any to begin this blog in earnest. Starbucks is a good as a church sanctuary for God to bear witness to me. Unhinged Tongue is about my journey with God, what He is has done for me and continues to do in my life.

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