Day 239: What God Won’t Do

The first person I heard say “God helps those who help themselves” was a high school teacher. I did well in his class but this phrase still made me uncomfortable. At the time, it seemed to imply that those who suffered hardship were always in control of their circumstances. Over the years, I’ve also heard it used by people who want to absolve themselves of caring for their neighbor. In Western culture, there is more of a focus on individualism versus communal responsibility. It’s one of those phrases that falls in line with “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.” Some people don’t have footwear and others don’t have feet. However, there is some truth to the adage. There are times when the trouble in which we find ourselves is of our own making. Furthermore, the victim mindset prevents us from seeing a way out. Part of being an adult especially if I am a Christian, is to own my mess. Everything is not someone else’s fault and I can’t be the victim in every story.

This August marks three years since I left the hospital after a weeklong stay to recover from the effects of chemotherapy. Since then, I have been doing a lot of unpacking. Here are some lessons that I’ve learned since then about what God will and will not do.

God will not be manipulated by my temper tantrums or self-pity. Life can be hard y’all. It’s hard in different ways for billions of people. The story that is unfolding in Afghanistan in the midst of a global pandemic is just another example of how difficult things can become. I want to be careful to say I do not mean that our individual struggles do not matter simply because the world is on fire, literally and figuratively. We absolutely need to process our particular issues and how they impact us. Nonetheless, we can get to a place where we believe that God owes us something for the pain we’ve suffered which is a normal human response. To stay in that mindset is also not helpful. There are times when God allows us to catch a glimpse of how our pain can serve a purpose but sometimes He doesn’t and that’s His right. While that’s frustrating, I don’t think we are as prepared as we think we are to handle the answers to some of the questions we ask God.

God will not do for me what I can do for myself. Most times, God nudges me when He wants me to address something in my life. After my first cancer battle, I realized I needed to begin therapy. I had to unpack what it meant for me to be so checked out from my body that I did not make the connection between my health issues and how difficult it was for me to work and attend graduate school. I had to deal with the unresolved trauma that made me uncomfortable with being touched by medical professionals which led to neglecting my health and ultimately, cancer. I am also unpacking what it meant for me to not struggle with the decision to to relinquish my womb. Although I believe I made the right choice because the cancer came back with a vengeance, I am now aware that I never thought I’d be married or have children anyway. Nonetheless, I now better understand my friends’ concerns about undergoing a partial hysterectomy even though I was frustrated and hurt by their opinions. They seemed to be privilege a potential spouse and children over my real health issues. I know their concern was genuine but they did not fully understand what was taking place in my body because I did not disclose certain details. These last few sentences need their own post(s) or a book.

The truth is that any kind healing is often a complicated, drawn out business and I have to participate in the process instead of just expecting God to make me whole. Healing comes in facing things and realizing they’re not so monstrous they can’t be overcome. I realize that I must deal with what has been done to me, what I’ve done to myself and lastly, what I’ve done to others. Sometimes I am the perpetrator. The ability to participate in my own healing is a gift because it shows that God has given me what I need to thrive in spite of hardship and bad choices. That in itself is grace.

God will not make me disciplined about anything-not about managing time, money, resources, health or other areas of my life. I can’t shout and praise my way to discipline. I can’t quote Bible verses in place of discipline. Neither can you. Jesus said the person who listened to Him and put His words into practice was like a house built on a rock that could withstand life’s storms. The person who just listened or mentally assented was like a foolish person whose house was built on sand. That house was destroyed by the same storm.

God will not not make up my mind for me. If I’m honest, I sometimes want God to write in the sky before I make a decision which causes me to waste valuable time. There are times when I should be cautious in my decision making. However, there are certainly occasions when I need to make a choice and trust God to walk with me through that process. We don’t trust that God is able to redirect us if we take a wrong turn in our attempt to follow Him. The visual I have is of a child who is just learning how to walk. They usually keep checking in with their parent to make sure they’ll catch them if they fall. Their posture and facial expression is, “You’ll help me if I hurt myself, right?” That’s often how we approach God.

God will not make me believe Him. The extent to which I believe Him will be evidenced in the unconscious and conscious choices I make throughout the day. Faith shows up in whether I give into my emotions or acknowledge them and move on. Furthermore, the extent to which I believe God is based on trust and I am aware of how life experiences can make it difficult for me to do so.

That’s all I’ve got for now. I am so grateful for this period of my life where I have the privilege to unpack and make wiser decisions based on what I have found.

Day 184: Random Thoughts

Over the past few months, I haven’t written much online or even in my personal journal. I’m feeling the itch to do so again. There are several thoughts rattling around in my brain and 3:25am on a Saturday morning is as good a time as any to get them out.

In an effort to show that the love of Christ is available to all, some curse out fellow believers on social media. In one of his messages, TD Jakes said the the following: No one has completely overcome their hypocrisy or inconsistency. The goal is to decrease them. In Matthew 12:36, Jesus said, “But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken.” In an age where it is customary to express rage, especially from behind computer screens, we need to be careful how we speak. Rage is tempting because it is an emotion that makes us feel powerful and entitled.

2. When I write about Jesus, I want to be careful that I present Him as He is depicted in the scriptures. The Old testament also points to Jesus through prophecy. The New Testament reveals Him as God incarnate. My opinions about Jesus are of no use to anyone. The person who really wants to know who Jesus is will investigate the scriptures for themselves instead of simply relying on what people tell them about Him. In the New Testament, Paul praises the Bereans because they searched the scriptures to discern for themselves whether what he said was true (Acts 17:11). They did not simply take Paul’s word for at face value. In another place, Paul says, “I did not come to you with human wisdom but by the spirit.” If you read through Paul’s epistles, you’ll quickly discover that he was brilliant, well-travelled and knew at least three languages. However, he submitted all of that to God because he knew that knowledge could not save him or anyone else. Knowledge is useful but we have only to examine our world to discover that technological advancements, scientific discoveries and more knowledge have not changed the human heart.

3. Tone matters in how we communicate. I have to check myself to determine whether I am being contemptuous when I write. The spirit in which I do something matters.

*Photo Credit: Julene Wilson, tradescantia propagation*

4. You can’t out-Jesus Jesus. There is this idea that if we’re just nice enough, people will come to God. That sounds nice but it’s not true. A nice lie is still a lie. Jesus literally healed the sick, raised the dead, fed people, showed compassion, died and rose again. People saw that He moved with a power that was not of this world. He did all of that and yet people hated him and only a few were with him when He died. The people who saw Him after He resurrected were willing to risk the wrath of the Romans and be ostracized by family and community members. They were killed in Roman coliseums, crucified, jailed, beaten and fled as refugees into other parts of the word, taking the gospel with them. Many lost their livelihoods and others lost their lives to maintain they had encountered Jesus and nothing could shake them from testifying about him. In John 15, Jesus said, “No servant is greater than their master. If they hated me, they will hate you also.” I think we need to examine ourselves if our primary goal as Christians is to be liked instead of presenting the gospel of Jesus Christ.

5. I do believe Christians need to own the pain they have caused to others, beginning with family members (natural and spiritual). Apologies can be difficult. Sometimes, it’s easier to apologize to a stranger or coworker than someone close to us.

6. Jesus never begged anyone to follow Him. This was a great way to test people’s motivations. Some hung around him because they were looking for the next spiritual high, a free meal or the possibility of healing for themselves or their family members. I’m sure others observed Jesus because they wanted some of His power for themselves. However, once He made it clear that following Him would be difficult, many fell away (John 6:66).

7. I love that Peter is in the Bible. He is outspoken at times, self-righteous, brash, but also determined to follow Jesus. He reminds me of myself. Jesus checks Peter at various times throughout the scriptures. In John 21, Jesus speaks to Peter and asks him three times, “Do you love me?” The scriptures tell us that after Jesus was arrested, Peter denied Him three times before the rooster crowed. Before then, he also insisted that even if the other disciples left Jesus, he wouldn’t. This time, Peter simply says, “I love you. You know I love you.” This time, there is no comparison to the other disciples. Sometimes Jesus has to show us to ourselves because our walk with Him is muddied with our egos. The goal is to follow Jesus, not try to one-up other believers.

8. Sometimes I wonder what we are inviting people to when we invite them to church. Are we inviting people to our denomination? The pastor? The choir? The various ministries? Are we inviting them to find a potential mate? Or, are we inviting them to Jesus. If we do not invite people to Jesus, we are wasting our time.

9. Too many people have walked away from the faith because they felt that becoming a Christian meant they would no longer struggle with temptation or have personal issues. You will not find this anywhere in scripture. This false message is comforting but has set people up for failure. Scripture speaks about the constant battle between the flesh (human/sin nature) and the spirit. We are supposed to master the flesh but it will never go away until we die. In Galatians 5, Paul writes about this battle and says, “If you walk by the Spirit, you will not satisfy the lusts of the flesh.” Lust is not just sexual. We lust for people’s attention, praise, power, money, revenge and a host of other things.

Day 94: Resurrection

Happy Resurrection Sunday! I am thinking about how we often characterize Jesus. For some, He is the Risen Savior who reconciles us with God the Father. For others, Jesus is a moral figure who speaks truth to power. For others, Jesus is a myth. I read a few posts today before I watched my church’s service via YouTube. One post in particular struck me because I saw in it an error many people make- we reduce Jesus to a man of color who was the victim of a police state because he spoke truth to power. This characterization of Jesus sounds good. I’ve fallen into it myself. However, I keep having to revisit who Jesus is. Jesus is no victim. In John 10:18, He says, “No one takes it [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.” Jesus was in on his own assassination. His death was the purpose for why He came into the world and He used the world’s authority to achieve that goal.

I wonder whether it is more comfortable to reduce Jesus to a political victim instead of King of Kings and Lord of Lords because He’s more understandable this way. As human beings, our egos won’t let us think we’re that terrible. After all, so many of us have overcome adversity, are educated, talented, volunteer, advocate for marginalized communities and do so much more. But, there’s a reason why we have to train young children. Even as young children, we are selfish. Selfishness and the desire to make ourselves the center of attention (our own gods) is at the core of every human being.

Perhaps we reduce Jesus to political victim because His assertion that He is Lord demands nothing but submission instead of admiration and invocation. Contrary to what many of us learned in church, submission has nothing to do with unthinking loyalty. Jesus laid out the cost of following Him and He did so while revealing His character and the heart of God. Many of us give our loyalty to lovers, friends, family and institutions without fully understanding who and what we’re dealing with. Jesus never promised an easy life or one filled with blessing after blessing. He never begged or manipulated people into following HIm. He never forced people to understand Him. When I investigate scripture, I see Jesus welcome the questions of people who were genuinely confused and needed clarification. When religious leaders asked Jesus questions in order to trick Him, He answered with silence or with a cutting rebuke because He knew their questions were disingenuous.

In the Christian tradition, Jesus appears to his disciples before He ascends to heaven. He tells them to wait and pray in Jerusalem until the power of the Holy Spirit falls. I believe in voting, advocacy, reading to be informed, signing petitions, forming committees and the like. However, the evil we see in ourselves and in the world has spiritual roots. If we don’t realize this, we’ll continue to lose our collective mind over the pendulum swing of political power in this nation and its ramifications.

Day 92: Good Friday

This week, I’ve been reading through the last chapters of the Gospel of Matthew because I find I must revisit who Jesus is. The church gets into trouble when we rely on old memories of Jesus to inform us about who He is or when we search the Bible only to find verses that fit our positions on various issues. As I listen to myself and the conversations many Christians are having, I find that we are apt to get caught up in our own logic and arguments about who Jesus is and what He stands for. These conversations are necessary and important. But, I wonder whether we are more transfixed by our own ability to make compelling arguments than we are drawn to Jesus? What has drawn me back to Him in spite of life’s challenges is Matthew 11:28, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest.” Jesus does not say, “Come to me when you’ve figured out a way to manage your hypocrisy and weaknesses or convinced other people to do the same.” He simply says, “Come.” I find that I become unburdened when I accept that invitation instead of bashing people over the head with scripture. I was raised in church but there was a point when I had to look at Jesus for myself and determine whether He was worth following. I still have to do that because I can fool myself into thinking I have God figured out when I’m just skimming the surface of His character.

Day 82: Collective Evil and Collective Repentance

Photo Credit: Harry Cunningham, @harry.digital on Instagram

Last week, I started a long piece about the shootings in Atlanta but, I could not get the words out although I spent the week working on it. This morning, my friend told me about the mass shooting in Boulder, Colorado. The photos on CNN’s website seemed familiar and, I realized two friends and I had been there in October 2019. My suspicions were confirmed when I saw the King Scooper Supermarket sign. We had gone into that supermarket to buy groceries for our Airbnb stay. I wanted to spend time with my close friends who had been with me almost every night over my three-week hospital stay at the end of 2017 when I was diagnosed with a recurrence of cancer. My time in Colorado was the first time I had taken myself on vacation although I have travelled to other countries, visited half of the states and returned to the island of my birth, Saint Vincent. I am almost out of tears for what is happening in this nation. It is possible to weep yourself dry.

I hesitated to write this post because, I find it much easier to write about a number of things although I have a dissertation to complete. I feel that I should shut my mouth and apply myself to schoolwork. However, I am reminded that it was not the theories that I learned in graduate school that preserved my life when I was sick. The living God and the people He placed around me, carried me through the valley of the shadow of death so I have to honor Him.

At this moment, most of us feel the weight of evil in our nation and around the world. As we grieve, pray, demand justice and a change in policies, it would appear that we are experiencing a never-ending wave of destruction. I submit to you that the rise in violence is another opportunity to change course after careful examination of what we value an individual, familial, communal and national level. Finger pointing is not sufficient to address societal wrongs. Calling out evil out in the world without sitting with the evil inside of me is problematic. I also contribute to collective evil and I have to ask God to examine me. I know that’s not what people want to hear right now and I hear you. I too am wondering how long racial violence will operate in this country. How long will white men be allowed to act out their depraved ideology with deadly consequences? How long will we fail to have proper gun legislation? How long will we pretend that US military presence and policies in other nations have nothing to do with the tide of people at our southern border? How long will this nation lie to itself that we are the best?

I am reminded of Nehemiah chapter one in which this prophet leader receives news from Hanani about the conditions of the Jewish people in exile and those who still lived in Jerusalem. The context is that the Jewish people were under Babylonian rule after Jerusalem was sacked years before and its people taken away. A were few behind to work the land. The Babylonians had destroyed the walls of the city which left its residents vulnerable to attack. Even though Nehemiah was in a privileged position as cupbearer to the King in the capital of Susa (Iran), he had a heart for those among his people who were in destitute conditions. As a black woman who is a naturalized citizen from the Caribbean, I see all too often how people like me are tempted to buy into certain aspects of white supremacist capitalist ideology in order to achieve the American Dream. Education along with my mentor’s challenge to interrogate interracial issues and my own racial encounters forced me to begin to divorce white supremacist thinking. I am still examining myself to see which roots still need to be removed.

What draws me to Nehemiah is that he takes responsibility for collective sin. He repents for his personal sins and the sins of his ancestral family then proceeds to repent for the sins of the nation. Collective repentance is what is needed in America, first beginning with the church. I am not going to wait for institutional leaders to repent for national sins past and present. I have been in repentance and prayer for my sin, the sins of my family and this nation.

‘Then I said: “LORD, the God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps his covenant of love with those who love him and keep his commandments, let your ear be attentive and your eyes open to hear the prayer your servant is praying before you day and night for your servants, the people of Israel. I confess the sins we Israelites, including myself and my ancestral family, have committed against you. We have acted very wickedly toward you. We have not obeyed the commands, decrees and laws you gave your servant Moses.”’
Nehemiah 1:5-7

I also submit to you that it is problematic for me to think that I am only part of the solution but not part of the collective evil in this nation. Self-righteousness takes different forms, and we defend ours while castigating people for theirs.

As I have listened to people’s arguments about why they question the existence of God, their reasons usually boil down to the evil in the world. These individuals always discuss the external evil but omit their personal evil. Evil exists because we have free will and we would do anything to hold onto it. The mantra of the United States is “I have the right to…” I cannot only discuss the misogyny, racism, xenophobia, sizeism, colorism, texturism, classism and, sexual assaults that I have experienced. I have to consider how my internalized racism negatively impacted students. I have to consider how my self-righteousness led people to believe that they had to fix themselves before they approached God. I have to consider my own sins that are separate from personal quirks. I have to contend with how my failure to accept God’s invitation to healing led me to harm myself and other people. To say that I did not mean to inflict harm does not remove the evil that I committed or its consequences.

If we want healing in this country, we have to get raw before God with our own mess and the historical devastation that continues to bear fruit in this nation and around the world. We do not get to invoke Jesus for our Gospel of snark, sarcasm, self-righteousness and social justice. I believe God cares about addressing the needs of marginalized people. However, if we do not get to know the God in whose image we and other people are made, our efforts will fail. We have to be careful of invoking Jesus to take our side in arguments in an effort to shame and manipulate people to agree with us yet resist how His words expose our own darkness. When we quote the words of Jesus in memes and slick posts, we are inadvertently saying that His words have authority and by default, He himself has authority. We do not get to invoke Jesus but resist His demand that we submit to Him. That goes for church folks and non-church folks. This truth applies to the church writ large regardless of the racial and socioeconomic demographics of its congregants. To invoke Jesus without knowing Him is an attempt to manipulate Him for our purposes. We are lying to ourselves if we think God is under our control and He exists to do our bidding. We can’t even try that mess with our parents!

To my fellow Christians, “It is time for judgement to begin with the people of God” (I Peter 4:17). We’re off base. We have made church about strobe lights, coffee and donuts, how well the choir sings, the size of the congregation, the style of the preaching and the pastor’s personality. Christians all too often preach the gospel of feelings instead of the Gospel of Jesus. We will be held accountable for our failure to center Jesus which has led people astray. Jesus is the gospel, not principles of right living and social justice even though our walk with him should reflect a heart for justice. The church lacks authority and anointing because we are off base. Repent. The book of Revelations begins with John’s address to the the seven churches (Revelations 1-3). God deals with His people first before He addresses the world because,

“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”
John 12:47-48

Day 73: Let’s Get Back to Basics

When I look around me, everything has purpose. I have over seventy houseplants and I often find spiders hiding between the leaves and branches because these structures provide protection and hiding spots to ambush unsuspecting prey (i.e. stray fungus gnats). In their natural habitats, my plants would also be home to a variety of animals and critters. Trees and plants also provide oxygen and homes for insects and animals. They are also sources of food, shelter and medicine. When millions of them gather together, trees form their own weather systems like the Amazon rain forest. Their roots hold the soil together and prevent it from being washed away by rain or floods. Everything has a purpose.

When I look around me, everything has purpose. I often find spiders hiding between the leaves and branches of my houseplants-I have more than seventy. These structures provide them with protection and hiding spots to ambush unsuspecting prey (i.e. stray fungus gnats). In their natural habitats, my plants would also be habitats for a variety of animals and critters. We reap the additional benefits of oxygen, shade, food and escapes from the hustle and bustle of daily life. Vegetation seems to fulfill its myriad purposes without much fuss.

When we examine the food chain, we find every animal has its place from bacteria to apex hunters. Huge herbivores like elephants conduct massive pruning on vegetation and like so many animals, their dung carries seeds for new life.

Human beings are unique creatures. We are this amazing blend of flesh and spirit. Genesis 2:7 speaks about how Creator God breathes into man and turns him into a living soul. We are different from all other animals and I don’t believe this is simply about intelligence or skills. There are insects and animals whose strength, agility and heightened senses far surpass ours. Yet, it is clear that human beings have a unique role in creation. In Genesis 1:28, God instructs man to rule over creation. In some translations, God instructs man to have dominion over all life. In the Hebrew, the word translated for rule and dominion means that man is supposed to manage creation with care. God did not make Eden for man’s exploitation.

But what about man himself? What is his purpose? In Genesis 1:26, we find that man is made in the image of God. Like God, man is spirit although he is housed in flesh. Like God, man is told to use his authority to rule over creation. Like God, man multiplies. So, our internal workings are reflective of God’s. Like God, we create and reason. Like God, we create with purpose in mind. But aside from having dominion over creation, man’s purpose is to be in relationship with God. The early part of Genesis speaks of God walking with Adam in the cool of the day. I wonder what their conversations were like? Was Adam childlike in his questions? Was he excited to show God a new fruit he had discovered that God has hidden in a corner of the garden for his child to find? Did God anticipate Adam’s excitement and wait to hear about his discovery the way parents wait to hear their children talk about a flower or insect? Did they have conversations about the nature of certain animals and insects? I cannot tell how many times I have heard the Genesis story in church. What I do know is that familiarity with the Bible and church means that I often fail to bring my imagination to scripture. And while I do believe that God gives revelation if we’re interested in gaining insight, I believe that our imagination also plays a role. However, I also believe that God expects us to use our brains to investigate scripture.

So, back to mankind’s relationship with God. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I can be suspicious about God’s intentions because I am sometimes suspicious of people. My cynicism produces surprise and regret because I remember little Julene, the version of me who existed before I learned that evil existed in the world and that I contributed to some of it. There’s a part of me that’s distrustful of a God who would create mankind with free will then judge them for exercising it. It seems like a bad joke. Yet, there’s another part of me that wonders at God’s courage and trust to grant man free will. I mean, animals mainly operate by instinct although they express emotions and value community. However, there’s a reason we say “It’s still a wild animal”. We understand that animal instinct is real.

Free will means that God and man can have real conversations. This is why I resist the idea that we should not question God. For one, the admonition sounds spiritual but it’s dishonest. We all have unasked questions that sit at the center of our beings, waiting for an invitation to be asked in a safe place. When I read the Psalms, Job and many of the prophets, I see people who posed all sorts of questions to God. It’s human and God knows we have questions. I find it hard to believe that a God who created us with free will, intelligence, creativity and authority, would not want us to engage with him. I call it wrestling with uncomfortable things in scripture. I always come to a deeper understanding of who God is and who I am in relation to God when I am willing to wrestle with the things that trouble me or cause confusion. Or, I think about the things that seem unfair or cruel. I have wrestled with those things and sometimes, I have hurled them at God in accusation. I once heard a woman say, “God is ok with you asking questions as long as you stay in the conversation.” I have found this to be true.

I am grateful for the privilege to talk with God. I don’t understand everything and I never will on this side of eternity. However, that tension provides fodder for some really good conversations with the Almighty.

Day 69: Sunrise

Happy Wednesday! We are already in March! I am always surprised by how quickly the new year picks up speed. I also welcome this yearly occurrence because I am one of those people who searches for signs of life once the winter solstice occurs: the barely contained flowers and leaves that mostly develop in secret. I’d like to think they are as eager for their debut as I am. When I woke up this morning, I knew it was around 6:30 without looking at my phone because dim light outlined the furniture in my bedroom. However, I still forgot the sun now rises before 7:00 in Michigan. I was in the kitchen making coffee when I turned and was pleasantly surprised to see the light coming through the space between my windowsill ledge and vertical blinds. It was one of those moments that elicits an involuntary smile, like watching a sleeping child. The light was tinged with orange which was a sign that the sunrise would be visibly glorious. I say visibly because I often have to remind myself that the sun never goes anywhere. Clouds just obscure it. I learned that obvious reality the first time I was on an airplane during a storm, and the pilot flew above the clouds to avoid turbulence. Storms, overcast skies and Midwestern winters sometimes make me think the sun has disappeared. Perhaps my melanated skin still remembers almost constant sunshine in St. Vincent despite coming to the States more than thirty years ago. I cannot accept that it is possible for the sun to disappear for weeks at a time.

I cannot communicate the surprised joy I felt as I looked out the small oval window and saw the sun still occupied its place in the heavens in spite of the heavy clouds and rain just moments before. Its light turned the tops of the clouds a bright golden color and I settled in for the rest of my flight. This morning, I peeked out the blinds and responded to the invitation to enjoy the quiet of sunrise. I set down my cup of coffee, put on some clothes and hurried to capture the moment.

#sunrise #godscanvas #springinmichigan #springtime #spring #springisintheair #springiscoming #quietmoments

Sunset

This photo is from yesterday evening. Look at that sky! No matter how my day is going, witnessing a sky like this always lifts my spirits. If I’m already having a great day, the approach of sunset on a balmy pre-spring evening is an added bonus. The steady advance of night and the hazy, half-hidden glowing orb in the west reminds me that it is always day in some part of the world. I remember flying to Poland for a friend’s wedding in 2005 and being amazed that the sun did not set as we headed eastward. As my friend and I crossed the Atlantic, it was just out of sight for most of our trip but, its soft glow still provided some light in the cabin. When we landed in Ireland for our connecting flight, the sunlight had turned the fields an incomprehensible shade of green.

Living in Michigan has made me more appreciative of the four ordinal points. For example, I know that my apartment is mostly east facing which is great for my plants. One of my chief pleasures is to wake up before sunrise and wait for fingers of light to reach beneath my blinds and beckon me to open them. My fellow New Yorkers can attest to most of us not paying attention to the ordinals. I remember when someone tried to give me and my friend directions by saying “North of Eastern Parkway” and we just blinked at her. Brooklyn residents and other city dwellers give directions by invoking landmarks. We say things like, “By the 7th Avenue and Flatbush train station” or “It’s on the same block as the Barnes and Nobles on Seventh Avenue and Sixth Street. Right at the corner, across from the hospital.”

I have no idea why visions of springtime in Brooklyn suddenly came to mind but, it feels good to sit and write about the city. Brooklyn raised me between the ages of five and thirty-one and it will always be home in spite of the hot sour stench of decaying garbage in summer, the overcrowding, and the impatience with which I and other people walk past one another. The high cost of living that might require you to donate an organ as payment is also a hallmark of city life.

For all my complaints about New York City, it gave me my first taste of wealth before I began working. From my apartment, I could access some of the city’s treasures within a short walk. The Brooklyn Museum, Brooklyn Botanical Gardens, Mount Prospect Park and Grand Ammy Plaza Library all occupied the same block. Across the street from the library was the magnificent Prospect Park. As a young girl, I could go to these places and escape. When I was a teenager, I walked to the Barnes and Nobles on Seventh Avenue and Sixth Street, secured a chair and read for hours. Books were and still are some of my best friends, and I have found that many of them have grown with me. I return to them as I would to an old friend with whom I am picking up our last conversation.

I only meant to share my photo with you but so many other things came to mind.

I had to triple and quadruple check that my eyes weren’t deceiving me when I saw the tiny point of light in the photo. My iPhone’s camera captured the emerging star right before 6:00 pm. It’s either that or some trick of the lens. One thing I love about the Midwest is that spring and summer sunrises and sunsets make up for the hide and seek game the sun plays during late fall and early winter.

Sidenote: If you love plants, follow me on Instagram for my plant adventures with my 70+ houseplants @julene6348!

#spring #springiscoming #springisintheair #sunset #godscanvas #eastlansingmichigan #eastlansingmi #springtimeinbrooklyn #summerinbrooklyn #NYC

Day 5: Consistency

The general consensus is that it takes twenty-one days or three weeks for a new habit to form. A few weeks ago, I heard a psychologist say it takes longer than that and I believe her. When I began writing two decades ago, I would never have imagined that I would share my writing with the world. A mentor had given me a journal and I suspect that she sensed my need to express my thoughts via writing. Or, perhaps she thought a journal might have suited me. It did. She passed this year and although I don’t remember any of our conversations, I do recall her sweet spirit and the gift she gave me-permission to express myself honestly. Prior to this, the only writing I did was for school and short stories I wrote for myself.

Two decades and over twenty journals later, I am still writing. There is an ebb and flow to my writing which means there are times when I write several pages a day for weeks or months on end, and other times when I write sporadically. The pressure of a global pandemic along with the political, economic, and social unrest that occurred in 2020, resulted in depression. These things were an added burden to the personal struggles I was experiencing. Most of last year proved to be one of those times when I found little comfort in journalling. Usually, I had to force myself to write or my emotions reached an unbearable level and writing was one of my few escapes. Good friends who knew about the importance of writing in my life often asked whether I was still journalling. My usual response was, “Not as much as before. It’s hard to write at the moment.”

One of the reasons I’ve chosen to share my writing with others is because I know my experiences are not unique. Millions of people have suffered from cancer. Many have battled it more than once. Like me, others have felt the sting of rejection and wrestled with questions of self worth. Still others have questioned God about the meaning of life’s pain and tragedies. At the risk of being told I am offering unsolicited advice, I am extending an invitation to others to have conversations about deep rooted things. Perhaps you are already having these conversations. If so, I am glad because we all need permission to share our lives in safe environments. Perhaps you are someone who keeps things bottled up. As someone who can be private and has slowly opened up to others over the years, I will not preach to you about lowering your walls. I know how comforting they can be.

I constantly return to writing because it is a necessity and a source of joy. There is a freedom in writing that I don’t often find in other spaces. Writing has also allowed me to become better acquainted with myself. Thousands of hours of jotting down my thoughts have provided me with opportunities to process things that I did not even know I had buried. A few weeks ago, I looked up a compulsive behavior I had not thought about in years and reflected on my time in high school. I will write about that at another time.

Sometimes, consistency is a matter of necessity. I write because it is one of my fundamental needs. More importantly, I need to write in a manner that allows me to express myself authentically-no shade to academic writing, but really. I write to remind myself that I do not need to use academics or religion as facades. I am tempted to hide behind both of these things and it is a struggle to grapple with the intersections of faith, socio-economic class, gender, nationality, race, size, and other identities I have not even considered.

I write as a method of investigating my inner life. I keep finding things that surprise me and enable me to make the connections between thought processes and certain behaviors. So, I will keep writing.

Happy New Year!

I wrote this post on the third day of the third decade of the twenty-first century, January 3rd, 2020. Over the past few months, I have been living with a kind of quiet urgency that asks the relentless question of why I am here. I prayed to be alive during my recurrence of cancer, fought to be alive with a ferocity I did not know I possessed. God answered that prayer, not because I am more special that those who died from cancer and other illnesses, but because that is what He decided. I prayed that as long as there was something for me to accomplish on this side of eternity, I wanted to live. I wanted to live to see my three nephews grow up. But at the heart of my desire was one to see what I would become. I realize that becoming is really about choices rather than wishes, no matter how sincere those wishes may be. In order to shift the trajectory of my life, I have to conduct an honest audit of my life thus far-the habits, mindsets, choices, and circumstances that led me to this current moment. Some would say I have accomplished much compared to other people. That is besides the point because my biggest competitor is myself. I am engaged in a constant war against fear and complacency.

Part of getting older is the refusal to let anything – circumstances outside of my control and the choices I have made – to derail me. In my mind, I see my sixty-year-old self looking back at me and thanking me for the choices I made twenty-three years in her past. Of course, there is no guarantee that I will Iive to be sixty. My life thus far has shown me that life is uncertain. However, it is wise to have the awareness of life’s uncertainties and still plan as though you will live to old age. In the event of the latter, I want to make myself proud. Fear is not an excuse not to try.

A life beyond mere existence requires regular assessment, not for the purpose of navel gazing, but for the purpose of measuring progress and determining what is important. Like many people, I make the mistake of focusing on obvious bad habits such as procrastination. However, I have come to realize that I can easily become sidetracked by what is good. For example, I like to show up for those close to me. I believe that if you care about people, you should be a dependable individual. However, as a woman, and like so many socialized to place the needs of others before themselves, that good quality caused me to neglect myself. I am now in a place where I have to rein in a “good quality” in order to pursue what is best for me in the long run. My decision is not about getting rid of “bad people.” I seek balance to live more productively. What I have found is that I am better at showing up for other people than I am at showing up for myself. I have been asking myself why that is and when I started to act in this manner.

Part of the reason why decisions to change fail is we never investigate the underlying causes. We apply our energy to symptoms and flounder in our determination to change as time progresses because our efforts are focused on the wrong thing.

I am hopeful for what lies ahead and for the choices I am making now that will lay a foundation for my future self.

Happy New Year.